Humor

We'd Be Fine If Every Game Arsenal Played Was A Wildly-Entertaining Draw

Where to begin with this game? We'll start with Alvaro Morata. If Chelsea had someone else playing striker, they probably would have won this game running away. But, they did have Alvaro Morata, and he missed three clear chances. So it goes.

You know who didn't miss, though? Jack Wilshere! Welcome back, Jack!

You know who else doesn't miss? Hector Bellerin, who nailed Eden Hazard squarely in the foot with his foot to set this up:

Please Let Us Know If You Have Video Of Harry Kane Dancing To "Despacito"

"Despacito," by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee, was objectively the only good thing to happen to anyone in 2017. Have a watch and meet me on the other side so we can talk about soccer.

Apparently that's what Tottenham Hotspur play in the locker room. We must say, they have good taste.

The Gut-Wrenching International Retirement Of Bobby Boswell

Look, we all knew it was coming. He was getting on in years, had lost a step (or eight) of pace and really hasn’t been the same player he was 10 years ago for about 10 years. Nonetheless, Bobby Boswell’s international retirement announcement is the most heartbreaking retirement of 2018. 

The man who scored the winner in a 1-0 victory for the MLS All-Stars against Chelsea in 2006 made the stunning proclamation on Twitter on Tuesday:

Some Soccer Stuff That Happened In 2017

What a year 2017 was! You know what happened in 2017? Soccer stuff. Lots of soccer stuff. SO MUCH SOCCER STUFF.

So, let's go over some of the highlights.

Zlatan Decided He's A Lion For Some Reason

Alexis Sanchez Should Leave Arsenal Because His Teammates Are Mean To Him

Much of the discourse currently surrounding Arsenal revolves around whether superstar Chilean attacker Alexis Sanchez will still be there at the end of January. We can say two things about Sanchez with a reasonable amount of certainty: he is Arsenal's best player by some distance, and he cares deeply about playing for his country.

That is why it's probably a bad idea to send tweets like this:

This Marek Hamsik Goal Confirms He’s Illuminati

Breaking news from The Eighteen Dot Com: Marek Hamsik is in the Illuminati. There is simply no other way to explain this confluence of events from Friday. How else do you rationalize No. 17 scoring in the 17th minute for his 117th goal with Napoli in the final game of 2017, all while wearing a patch with Hamsik’s face and the No. 17 on it?

Marek Hamsik, the Slovakian midfielder who has played for Napoli in the Serie A for a decade, was honored during the match by his Italian club, which wore patches to honor him as the club’s all-time leading scorer.

How Do You Take A Corner Kick When The Ball Is Floating In A Puddle?

For a corner kick to be taken, the ball must be placed withing the confines of the corner arc. Otherwise, chaos will ensue. Gravity will cease to exist. Everyone will float around everywhere, bumping into stuff chaotically because they have no control over anything. All the colors will turn negative. Vegetables will begin eating people. Bears will begin speaking human languages, but only ancient Greek for some reason. It will be OK to use your cell phone on an airplane.

The world will be an M. Night Shyamalan movie, basically.

18 Reasons Why 2018 Will Suck For Soccer

As we near the end of 2017, few American soccer fans will look back on the year with any sort of fondness after the USMNT failed to qualify for the World Cup. Same for Dutch, Italian and Chilean fans, plus anyone who as ever rooted for Sunderland. So instead of focusing on 2017, let’s turn our attention to how much 2018 will suck. Here are 18 horrible 2018 soccer predictions.

Knowing How A Zipper Works Is Overrated

Today we answered a very important question in the world of football: which is more difficult, beating Crystal Palace or zippering a coat?

Zippering, clearly.

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