Bayern Munich

Bayern Munich Are Going To Be A Disastrous Draw For Whoever Lands Them

We’re one final match day away from wrapping up the Champions League group stage, but we can already draw a number of conclusions based on Tuesday’s play. For one, whoever draws group runners-up Bayern Munich in the round of 16 has every reason to feel extremely aggrieved.

By virtue of finishing behind Atletico, Bayern could conceivably be drawn against the likes of Barcelona, Arsenal, Juventus, Leicester City or Borussia Dortmund/Real Madrid (the battle between Dortmund and Madrid in Group F will be settled tomorrow).

Bayern Munich Can’t Do It On A Freezing Cold Night In Yaroslavl Oblast

It’s the age old question we’ve always wanted an answer to: yes, Bayern Munich are a great side, but can they do it on a freezing cold night the federal subject of Russia known as Yaroslavl Oblast? No is the definitive answer — FC Hollywood is soft, and now they're in crisis.

Thomas Muller Is Beefing With The Entire Nation Of San Marino

Thomas Muller’s incredible return of 32 goals from 49 matches in all competitions for Bayern Munich last season had many prognosticators envisioning a brilliant Euro 2016 campaign for the German attacker. However, Muller’s inability to score and poor form throughout Germany’s six matches made him one of the tournament’s biggest disappointments.

While Muller has scored braces against Norway and the Czech Republic in World Cup qualifying, he hasn’t yet managed a goal in the Bundesliga, a drought that’s now surpassed over 500 minutes of football.

Bayern Munich Play In Jerseys Made Of Literal Garbage

In a heartwarming display of humanity, Bayern Munich played today's match in jerseys made of ocean garbage to bring awareness to the damage being done to our oceans.

Philipp Lahm Is The Best Player Not On The Ballon d'Or Shortlist

Philipp Lahm probably doesn't care that he was left off the Ballon d'Or shortlist. He did, after all, once call the award a "popularity contest for attacking players."

Lahm, as you may have guessed, is not an attacking player. He's a fullback and defensive midfielder. He is very good at those things, but he doesn't get in on goal much.

When he does, though, look out.

Julian Green Scored His First Senior Goal For Bayern Munich

It's easy to forget Julian Green is only 21 years old. He's earned a spot in Bayern Munich's first team, been dropped from Bayern's first team, rejected moves away from Bayern, scored in a World Cup knockout game and started in the Champions League. This season Green is trying to carve out a spot in Bayern's rotation, and his play in his first start for the senior side since 2015 will certainly help his case.

Green scored his first competitive goal for the first team against Augsburg Wednesday with a wonderful header.

Arjen Robben Is Healthy Now, Which Should Make Soccer Fans Very Happy

Two years ago, the Netherlands were coming off a summer that saw them reach the World Cup semifinals but lose to Argentina in penalty kicks. The main cog in their success was 30-year-old Arjen Robben, who was arguably the player of the tournament — that’s an important admission coming from an Argentine like myself.

Robben was untouchable all tournament with defenders grasping at air as he waltzed by them constantly. He racked up three goals and an assist and nearly got the Dutch to their second straight World Cup final on his back.

Renato Sanches Wins 2016 Golden Boy Award Because He’s The Man This Planet Needs

Dubbed the "Teenage Terminator", 19-year-old Renato Sanches is a savage. The youngest player to ever win the European Championships and the Euro 2016 Young Player of the Tournament, Sanches’ 2015-16 began with the Benfica B squad but ended with a transfer to Bayern Munich that could end up costing the Bavarian side as much as €80 million.

Sanches added another accolade to his growing trophy cabinet on Monday, winning the 2016 Golden Boy award ahead of Manchester United’s Marcus Rashford and Munich teammate Kingsley Coman.

There’s Something Horribly Wrong With Bayern Utility Man Joshua Kimmich

Joshua Kimmich, like Jon Snow before him, knows nothing. Pep Guardiola’s beloved bastard son was allotted action in 23 Bundesliga matches last season, tallying zero goals. His adept displays in defensive roles for Bayern led Guardiola to claim that “he’s perhaps one of the best center backs in the world”.