Humor

Luis Suarez is having a time of it this season, and we think it might be time for him to try something new.

One goal in 10 Champions League appearances just isn't going to cut it for Barcelona (his record is much better in La Liga, to be fair), so Suarez should cut his losses now and retire from soccer to fulfill his destiny as the third property brother.

Tell me with a straight face Lucho shouldn't be sitting in a chair next to these two talking about how biting people affected his career in real estate. You can't.

Clearly Gianluigi Buffon is not the biggest fan of Michael Oliver right now. The English referee sent the Italian goalkeeper off at the end of extra time during the Juventus-Real Madrid Champions League match Wednesday, after Buffon vehemently disagreed with a penalty Oliver gave. Juventus were eliminated after Cristiano Ronaldo converted the penalty.

Here's what Buffon said after the match:

Cristiano Ronaldo is an inspiration to 30-somethings everywhere. He shows us that despite no longer being the target market and despite no contemporary pop songs being written about our nightly hijinks (“I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 33” just sounds sad), we are still human people. We are still capable of launching ourselves towards the heavens like a SpaceX rocket before getting one over on those nasty, garbage bin 40-somethings in goal.

Four minutes and 32 seconds elapsed from the time referee Michael Oliver pointed to the spot to the moment the ball struck the back of the net from the force of another epic Cristiano Ronaldo penalty kick. 

Cristiano Ronaldo is probably, no, scratch that, he is the most hated player in soccer right now. I challenge you to name me someone more polarising, I dare you. But, what makes him so easy to dislike? 

Well, for starters, the guy has a body that looks as if the Greek god Zeus hand carved it himself. I mean, seriously, I know most of us are out of shape, but there’s no need for Ronaldo to continually take his shirt off in celebration to remind us all of how ridiculously jacked he is. It's not fair. 

Last week, U.S. Soccer announced its first youth initiative since the USMNT’s World Cup failure. Bio-banding was presented as a new way to encourage technical development in youth players big and small. It was an idea put forth by the U.S. Soccer High Performance Department. But it turns out, U.S. Soccer should have just asked Facebook, because scores of our readers responded and apparently every single one of them knows exactly how to fix U.S. soccer. 

Roma completed one of the biggest comebacks in Champions League history by overcoming a 4-1 deficit after the first leg in Barcelona. They advanced to the semifinals on away goals after winning the second leg 3-0. When Manolas headed in the game-winning goal everyone (except Barca fans) went crazy: the players, the coaches, the fans, but the best reaction came from Roma’s commentator. This man was screeching like a little kid who got Nintendo 64 for Christmas.

AS Roma did it. The Giallorossi rallied from a three-goal, first-leg deficit to knock off Lionel Messi and Barcelona, 4-4 on aggregate on away goals. It was a thrilling win, with two players who scored own goals in the first leg making up for it with goals in the second leg. But perhaps more thrilling than the incredible comeback on Tuesday was the response from the AS Roma Twitter feed in the aftermath. 

DO NOT SHARE WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE THE MANCHESTER CITY COACHING STAFF AND PLAYERS, THANK YOU.

-Pep

Pinky in the air

Switch to a 4-4-2.

Making a "W" with arms on top of head

Switch to a 4-2-2-2 Brazilian box.

The "Hook 'Em" sign

Switch to a 4-2-3-1.

Hands spreading apart

Play closer to each other (this is trickery).

Hands gone closer together

Spread out (this is also trickery).

Hand to ear like a telephone

Harry Kane swears on his daughter's life that Christian Eriksen's second goal in Spurs' 2-1 victory over Stoke at the weekend brushed his shoulder before it went in the goal, and should therefore be awarded to him, Harry Kane. Obviously the man has not given up on catching Mo Salah for the Golden Boot just yet.

This is an actual thing that Harry Kane said out loud: