Funny

Mueller Report Confirms: Lionel Messi Very Good At The Soccer

The day has finally come. After a multi-year investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, the special counsel’s report has finally been made public. Our diligent reporters at The18 have combed through the PDF files like Unai Emery looking for a weakness in Chelsea’s defense and have come up with our own Mueller report findings.

Friendly Fire: Substitute Has Eye Gouged By Teammate He’s Replacing

A substitution — unless you’re John Terry and organizing yourself a guard of honor — should be pretty straightforward. Up goes the number of the player coming off, off he goes and on comes the substitute. That’s all there is to it. No need for fuss.

Argentine Club Using Viagra To Combat Altitude — Yeah, Sure

Argentine club Unión de Santa Fe really wants to get past Ecuador’s Independiente del Valle in the first stage of the 2019 Copa Sudamericana. But are we really buying the club’s reasoning for using Viagra before the match?

The Unión-Independiente match will be played Wednesday evening at Estadio Olimpico Atahualpa, which is 9,350 feet above sea level. For comparison, Mile High Stadium in Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and I am writing this article at 5,328 feet. 

Cristiano Ronaldo The Robot Boots Up And Then Does What He Does

Cristiano Ronaldo 4.0 is up and running at Juventus Stadium. His age is 34, which typically alludes to ever-present bodily soreness and general feelings of lethargy, but Ronaldo 4.0 includes updates on foxiness in the box, elastico nutmegs and improvements on crushing the dreams of everyone else in European competition.

Here’s "He That Is More Machine Than Man" coming alive during the Champions League anthem, as he’s done time after time en route to scoring 126 UCL goals, including 65 in the knockout stages. 

Troy Deeney Is Sent Off For Staying True To His Word

October 14, 2017: Watford are fresh off defeating Arsenal 2-1 thanks in part to a Troy Deeney penalty, dropping the Gunners to eighth in the table. Deeney was scathing in his assessment of Arsenal after the match.

Burnley Player Booked For Kissing Opponent

The English commentator summed up the Ashley Barnes yellow card perfectly:

“The game has gone completely when you’re booked for kissing,” he said.

Barnes, a Burnley forward with double-digit Premier League goals this season, went into referee Mike Dean’s book just before halftime in a 2-0 win over relegation-threatened Cardiff City on Saturday. 

The incident followed Cardiff’s Joe Bennett tugging Barnes down from behind, a clear yellow card.

But in addition to booking Bennett, Dean showed Ashley Barnes yellow after the two momentarily clashed head to head. 

PSA: Austin Bold FC Giving Free Admission With Farm Animal

Promoting a club in the United Soccer League can be tricky. It’s always an uphill battle for any lower-tier sports team, especially in soccer. But Austin Bold FC has what may be the greatest (or maybe worst, we’re not sure yet) promotion we’ve ever seen to get fans into the stadium.

Abby Wambach Makes The Case For Equal Pay On The Daily Show With Trevor Noah

Trevor Noah is a soccer fan, this much we know. He made some great jokes about World Cup commentators last summer and followed it up with some powerful words on the Africanness of the French national team that won the tournament.

The Ronaldo’s Rendition Of Carpool Karaoke (Ft. Georgina Rodriguez And Cristiano Jr.)

Cristiano Ronaldo recently showed that he's not just a world-class footballer, but he also has a set of pipes. Well, kind of.

Riding around in his Rolls Royce, the King of Football, his girlfriend Georgina Rodriguez and son Cristiano Jr. did their own version of Carpool Karaoke.

PSG Denies Own Title Celebrations By Clearing Own Shot Off The Goal-Line

Following Lille’s 1-1 draw with Reims on Sunday, PSG had a chance to clinch the Ligue 1 title with seven matches remaining by defeating eighth place Strasbourg at the Parc des Princes.

With the title just a matter of time, Thomas Tuchel elected to hand starts to the likes of Colin Dagba, Leandro Paredes, Layvin Kurzawa and a forward line spearheaded by Christopher Nkunku and Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting. 

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