I saw Ronaldo Lima (the better of the two contemporary footballing Ronaldos, in case you were wondering) play in a charity match the other day. I had an epiphany.
Ronaldo Lima is unquestionably one of the greatest footballers of all time. Now that he’s in retirement, though, he may have finally found his calling.
His calling is football. You probably already knew that, on account of him being unquestionably one of the greatest footballers of all time. This football, though, the football that is Ronaldo’s calling, is different.
Ronaldo’s calling is Sunday-league football. In the introduction to the movie The Big Lebowski, narrator Sam Elliot says, “Sometimes there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place.”
That is how I feel about Ronaldo and adult league football. He has all the qualifying characteristics of a devastating Sunday league forward.
1. He has a potbelly. This is the most important characteristic. It is patently impossible to be an effective Sunday league forward if you don’t have considerable mass to throw around. You can be more physical that way, and you can trick your opponents into thinking you are not very good, giving you the valuable element of surprise.
2. He is impossibly quick for how fat he is. This ties into number one, and the element of surprise. The surprise comes when an unwitting defender steps up, thinking Ronaldo is really slow, and then WHOOSH Ronaldo’s past him.
3. He has only two speeds: impossibly quick and standing still. Ronaldo does not jog around the pitch like a normal player. Ronaldo does not track back. Ronaldo does not make cuts. Ronaldo waits for the ball to come to him and then when it does he moves. Once he starts moving, though, look out.
4. His feet move a million miles an hour. Like, you can’t see them, they’re moving so fast. He has incredible touch on the ball, like he’s been doing this his entire life. His feet just go to places way faster than you expect. Like Lionel Messi except for standing in one place.
5. He throws his weight around. He lets you know that he’s ready to mix it up. He might stomp on you, and he definitely will just shove everybody around and be overly physical and not care because it’s the Sunday league.
6. He’s probably drunk. Well, it is Sunday league, what else are you going to do?
Just because he exemplifies all of these traits do not make him the best Sunday league forward of all time. No, the thing that makes him the best Sunday league forward of all time is the fact that he does all of these things while being Ronaldo, unquestionably one of the greatest footballers of all time.
