Hat Trick

The genius of Lionel Messi propelled Barcelona to a 5-0 victory over Levante on Sunday evening in Valencia — the Argentine was involved in all five goals with a hat-trick and two assists. Luis Suarez also had a goal and was heavily involved in setting up two of Messi’s. The 31-year-olds are alright. 

The first goal arrived in the 35th minute after Messi danced across the top of the box. With defenders circling and closing around him, Messi pulled off an impossible reverse ball which Suarez converted with sublime control. 

The USWNT crushed Panama 5-0 to improve its record at the 2018 CONCACAF Women’s Championship to 2-0 with a goal difference of +11, all but guaranteeing a place in the semifinals of the competition and moving one step closer to automatic qualification for the 2019 World Cup in France.

Lionel Messi led the charge in Barcelona’s flying start the UEFA Champions League with a vintage display as Barça cruised to victory over Dutch champions PSV Eindhoven on Tuesday.

PSV became the 30th team to be pierced by Messi’s goal-scoring sword in Europe. He now has a record eight hat tricks in the UCL to his name, pulling him one ahead of Cristiano Ronaldo. Not only did the 31-year-old bag a few goals, but he was constantly working to find space, dictating the tempo and setting up his teammates.

Bayern Munich ran rampant against Eintracht Frankfurt in the 2018 German Super Cup — the curtain raiser for the German season — by posting a 5-0 victory thanks to a 33-minute hat-trick from rumored want-away Robert Lewandowski. 

This was a rematch of last season’s improbable DFB-Pokal final, where Eintracht shocked Bayern 3-1 with Niko Kovac in the dugout for die Adler. With Kovac now patrolling Bayern’s touchline as the successor to Jupp Heynckes, this match belonged to FC Hollywood from start to finish.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is perhaps best known for two things: his scoring ability and his big mouth. Unsurprisingly, the two go hand in hand. Though he has a habit of making audacious, eye-roll-inducing claims about his talent, he's quick to back up his words with goals of both great beauty and frequency.

Wayne Rooney earned his first start for DC United in Major League Soccer on Saturday in Atlanta. Then Josef Martinez showed him a thing or two about how to score in this country, setting the record for most MLS hat tricks in an absurdly small number of games.

Darwin Quintero, Minnesota United’s first-ever Designated Player signing, repaid in full his $1.65 million salary by scoring the club’s maiden hat-trick in Major League Soccer. What’s more, it was the greatest hat-trick in the history of the league. I can say that because I was there — look! Here’s a picture of Michael Bradley suffering in the Fourth of July heat whilst “shielding” his backline (he was awful).