Hat Trick

Zlatan’s Perfect Hat Trick Confirms What He Already Knew And We Should’ve Known

In another fiery edition of “El Trafico,” Zlatan Ibrahimović played spoiler again by netting a perfect hat trick in a 3-2 win against Los Angeles FC, which has yet to beat its crosstown rival in four meetings now.

Ibrahimović told ESPN on Thursday that he was a superior player to LAFC’s Carlos Vela despite the latter’s impressive start to the season. He backed it up with Friday’s performance.

After Telling Critics To Suck On It, Sam Kerr Goes Off Again With 4 Goals Against Jamaica

Australia is through to the Round of 16 at the Women’s World Cup as runner-up in Group C after dispatching a spirited Jamaica side 4-1 in Grenoble. All four goals were scored by Sam Kerr, who pulled level with the USWNT’s Alex Morgan in the race for the Golden Boot on five goals. The message to the critics rings louder than ever. 

Brazil Is Old But Gold, As Evidenced By Cristiane's Brilliant Hat Trick

With an average age of 26 years and six months across the board, this is the oldest makeup of players in the history of the Women’s World Cup. Brazil is a key contributor to that stat with the second-oldest squad in France, and the veterans include Mônica (32), Marta (33), Cristiane (34) and Formiga (41).

The Seleção kicked off its campaign today against Jamaica in Grenoble, and although Marta missed out due to a thigh injury, Brazil still triumphed 3-0 thanks to huge performances from Formiga and Cristiane.

Portugal PK Wiped Out To Award Switzerland PK, So Ronaldo Responds With Hat Trick

The UEFA Nations League semifinals kicked off Tuesday. The new competition began with group play in the fall and concludes this week with the top league’s group winners playing a mini-tournament in Portugal. 

Portugal took a lead in the first semifinal against Switzerland through a powerful Cristiano Ronaldo free kick. The Swiss then equalized in the most unusual of circumstances.

Brilliant Ada Hegerberg Hat Trick Helps Lyon Crush Barcelona 4-1 In Women's Champions League Final

Ada Hegerberg won’t be going to the Women’s World Cup this summer with Norway, as we’ve explained in the past. So the Women's Champions League final was essentially her World Cup.

She made the most of it.

Is Tottenham Better Without Kane? Lucas Moura’s Son Probably Thinks So After His Dad’s Hat Trick

Harry Kane went down with what appears to be a season-ending ankle injury in Tottenham’s win over Manchester City on Tuesday. Losing such a vital figure for the end of a season that still has so much to play for is a massive loss for Spurs — but based on the evidence of Saturday’s Lucas Moura hat trick, they might actually be better off.

Wayne Rooney Scored His First MLS Hat-Trick, But It’s His One Assist You Have To Watch

D.C. United dropped five goals on Real Salt Lake to continue its undefeated start to the 2019 season, and the match was highlighted by Wayne Rooney’s first-ever hat-trick in MLS play. 

The 33-year-old Englishman opened the scoring from the spot in the 34th minute, applied a delicate chip in the 41st for the second and then guaranteed D.C. all three points in the 65th when sliding in to provide a close-range finish. 

God Officially Hands Over The Reins To Messi

Lionel Messi registered his 50th professional hat trick Saturday, which led to another Twitter frenzy.

Messi now trails just Cristiano Ronaldo with regards to career hat tricks — Ronaldo has 51 three-score outings. The two are compared and argued over more than we’d like to admit. However, the GOAT discussion has officially ended.

Both players have received praise from about everyone in the world, but Messi has officially one-upped his rival with this unmatchable praise:

Lionel Messi’s 50th Hat Trick Was So Un-Messi And Yet Vintage Messi At The Same Time

Lionel Messi has now scored 650 goals in his legendary career. 

By now, you know the prototypical Messi goal. Cutting in from the right side, the Argentine curls a perfectly placed shot with his left foot into the far corner. Occasionally he’ll score on a deft chip or smash a low shot before a goalie can react and lately he’s been unstoppable on free kicks

Humanity Is Getting Dumber, But Man City Remains Too Damn Clever

I recently read that humanity is getting dumber. Whether that’s because of unhealthy diets, garbage media, substandard schooling or the general inclination to never read anything, our habitation of a “stupidity-inducing environment” is causing the IQ of modern generations to plummet. But there’s hope, because here you are reading and here I am trying to not be garbage media man.

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