Funny

It was only two weeks ago when we were treated to one of the most astounding open goal misses in the history of football over in Serbia. The gift of giving to helpless defenses seems to be in the air this holiday season as a Greek fourth division match has offered up its own tragic epic. 

It simply doesn’t get any more embarrassing or unprofessional than this. Trailing Sheffield Wednesday 2-1 in the English Championship on Saturday, Preston had both their strikers sent off in the final minutes after nearly coming to blows and being separated by teammates.

Eoin Doyle had halved the Preston deficit in the 82nd minute, but he and strike partner Jermaine Beckford were subsequently shown straight reds for violent conduct in the 90th minute. 

When I was a young lad my youth soccer team had a throw-in routine that we labelled “Pikachu”, much to the embarrassment of our coach. The player taking the throw-in would gleefully scream out the play over and over, and we’d get giddy as all hell at the opportunity to execute. Standing in a well-organized line four or five deep, the players towards the front would peel off laterally while the player at the very back of the queue would steam forward to collect the throw-in. 

With the approach of El Clasico everything must go under the microscope. The designated referee for the match, Carlos Clos Gomez, has not been left unturned in that regard. According to some, Clos Gomez exhibits a distinctly pro-Barcelona flair, and they’ve got the statistics to prove it.

Melbourne City defeated Sydney FC in the FFA Cup final thanks to a goal from Australian demigod Tim Cahill, but the real story on the night was one of intimacy and the tenderness shown between a seagull, Sydney goalkeeper Danny Vukovic and a sideline avian masseuse — E.L. James, I hope you’re taking notes.

The record for the fastest red card ever in soccer is somewhat dubious: is it limited to professionals? What about amateur leagues? Does the player actually have to play a second before being sent off? These are the kinds of ridiculous variables you must factor into determining the fastest red card ever in soccer.

According to the Guardian, there have been a number of instances when substitutes have been sent off without having ever played a second in the match.