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The last time we could say, "Leicester City are top of the Premier League," interns were still slut-dropping in the Oval Office (probably). The year was 2000, the month October, and Bill Clinton had just a handful of days left to abuse his power inside 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Since those halcyon days, Leicester City have yo-yo'ed up and down the league structure, dropping as low as League One (the third tier of English professional football) before regaining their Premier League status last season. Following their 3-0 dismantling of Newcastle United on Saturday, they’re now sitting pretty atop the football pyramid once more, precisely one year on from sitting rock-bottom.
They’re unlikely to stay there, of course. With a fixture list that contains Manchester United, Liverpool, Manchester City and (ahem) Chelsea between now and the New Year, the lack of depth in Claudio Ranieri’s squad is likely to be exposed over the coming weeks.
So we thought now would be a pertinent time to think about some other objects and individuals that have crashed and burned since Leicester were last top of the table. Will any of them rise again from the ashes like The Foxes?
Lance Armstrong’s Remaining Testicle
Back in October 2000, Lance Armstrong’s remaining testicle was a beacon of worldwide inspiration. The Texan’s solitary ball survived his battle with cancer and, that summer, successfully traversed the French countryside to win a second of seven consecutive Tour de France triumphs, snuggly nestled in a pair of US Postal lycra shorts.
Armstrong’s lone nut was an integral part of one of the most recognizable sportsmen on the planet, helping to establish arguably the world’s most high-profile charitable organization and the near-ubiquitous yellow Livestrong wrist band that accompanied it.
But then, sat on Oprah’s tasteful sofa in January 2013, what was once the globe’s most revered testi had to hang and watch as Lance admitted to implementing one of the most sophisticated doping programs ever seen in sport. He was stripped of his sporting titles and, most damagingly, his reputation.
While almost everyone in the pro peleton was drugged to the gills during the Armstrong era, few were as ruthless, conniving and arrogant a bastard as the Texan. His testicle will forever be tainted.
99% of American Idol Finalists
Look through a list of American Idol finalists and you’ll see a collection of names that – barring a Kelly Clarkson here and a Jordyn Sparks there – will mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to you. And nor should they.
Yet, for a few weeks in any one of the years from the early 2000s to the present, these people were headline news, performing in front of 30 million plus television viewers weekend after weekend.
You know how it goes. A contestant – let’s pick Bucky Covington – makes it through to the finals. Bucky “performs” for a few weeks before being voted off by the judges / audience. Plucky Bucky, fighting back the tears, then tells us all how “this isn’t the last you’ll hear of Bucky Covington” and that “this is just the beginning” of a long and fruitful music career.
A month later, Bucky’s brewing your pumpkin-spiced latte.
Ronaldo’s Waistline
The original (and best?) Ronaldo was actually crocked when Leicester last sat atop the EPL, but the years either side of that season of inactivity were spent burnishing his reputation as “The Phenomenon”. He spent the late 90s and early noughties winning domestic league and cup titles aplenty, as well as multiple World Cups and Copa Americas with Brazil.
Since Ronaldo hung up his $15 million-a-year Nike boots, however, the once svelt and athletic body that propelled him past defenders at warp speed has, shall we say, broadened somewhat.
But for all that his waistline is now as far removed from a sporting physique as Hillary Clinton is from common decency, don’t for one second think a fat Ronaldo can’t still cut it on the pitch:
Britney Spears’ Innocence
We know, Britney’s just about still hanging around. But the Britney Spears that assaults your senses today is a markedly different model to that which clogged the airwaves around the turn of the century. Back then, Britney was more innocent than a Nun’s Care Bear. She had a Purity Ring on her finger and a chastity belt under her red rubberized jumpsuit. The word "womanizer" would have turned her crimson.
Then she got married for 48 hours in Vegas, tongued Madonna, shaved her head, got married again, popped in and out of rehab a few times, and “starred” in a sex tape.
Some of those events may be in the wrong order, but you get the gist.
The Polyphonic Ringtone on Your Nokia 3210
If you had a mobile phone in October 2000, chances are it was a Nokia 3210. You know the one: it didn’t have an antenna; you could change the front cover and actually fit it in your pocket. And in between games of “Snake”, you probably spent your time downloading tinny polyphonic ringtones that sounded precisely nothing like whichever tune you thought you were getting.
At one point during the mid 2000s, Nokia was so dominant that every other phone in circulation hailed from Finland. Look at a list of the best-selling mobiles of all-time, and it’s dominated by Nokia.
Then they started getting battered by some fruit, first a blackberry and then an apple. Nowadays, there are more Pandas in Peru than Nokias in people’s pockets. Probably.
