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Giuseppe Rossi is perhaps the greatest American soccer player to never have played for the United States Men’s National Team. Why? Well, because he chose to play for Italy instead. But that’s actually not what I want to talk about. While it is a fascinating story, the real story here is the aftermath of Rossi’s decision. Not on the soccer field, but in everyday life.
You see, Rossi choosing to play for Italy meant that life went a certain direction. It meant smartphones, and wifi, and Twitter (speaking of which, feel free to give me a follow @devonnewport), and perplexing gas prices, and hoverboards that aren’t really hoverboards and so on.
Had he chosen to play for the United States, however, life would have gone in a different direction. I won’t bother explaining the science behind it all — it gets rather technical and the phrase paradigm shift is almost certainly used more than once — just know that things would be different. Quite a bit different.
I discuss some of those things below. Quicksand would be more prominently featured in everyday life. Not in a harmful way, but more like something people use as a lavish accessory in the corner of a vegetable garden.
1. Slides would be mandatory in offices nationwide, and not having one would be punishable by death.
2. Death would mean paying somebody an outrageous amount of money. Or donuts.
3. Bacon would be more delicious than it already is.
4. Jorts would be considered business casual.
5. The 2016 presidential election would ultimately be decided by a banana peel. That is to say that candidate A (probably a giraffe named Fred) would slip on a banana peel during a crucial debate, swaying voters to elect candidate B (probably a Tree).
6. Cristiano Ronaldo would be the greatest player in the world — at ping pong.
7. Ham cones would be a thing. It’s what it sounds like — ham stuffed into a cone, waffle or otherwise — and it’s delicious.
8. Anti-gravity would be a feature offered in every home thanks to the Anti-Gravity Act of 2012.
9. The most popular YouTube video of all time would be a cover of Ice Ice Baby, sung by a dolphin wearing a hard hat.
10. The movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 would be more successful and have more of a cult following than Star Wars.
11. The term ‘bae’ would have still become a thing, but it would have meant biscuits and envelopes — like it should.
Alas, the New Jersey born playmaker chose Italy and as a result ham cones aren’t a thing and banana peels remain something that nobody has ever slipped on ever.
Paradigm shift.
