Funny

Imagine you’re in Edinson Cavani’s shoes this morning, strolling around the streets outside the Bernabéu in search of that precious, caffeine-rich mate before tonight’s big Champions League encounter with Real Madrid.

You’re not in the best spirits. You’ve missed a good portion of the season through injury, and in your absence, that goddamn Mauro Icardi has scored 10 goals in 11 games to take your job. Now everyone wants to offer Icardi a permanent contract and is totally fine with yours expiring in the summer!

Most Major League Soccer teams have been busy negotiating contracts and striking deals across the league . . . but not D.C. United.

Instead, this MLS original has decided to assign every MLS team a type of candy, and well, it's pretty amusing.

Here are some of the best:

hi @FCDallas pic.twitter.com/1bNVkziPUt

We've seen some absurdly bad penalty kicks over the years, but we now have a new GOAT for worst spot kick ever.

In a goalkeeper vs. goalkeeper PK, Nuneaton Borough's Tony Breeden took a shot which missed high. Breeden did, however, shine the light on his power by absolutely drilling it.

Missed the penalty...and broke the light 

Did you ever wear your shirt untucked, look at yourself in the mirror and scream: “GOOD GOD, WHY IS THIS UNTUCKED LENGTH SO UNBECOMING ON MY PERSON?!” I never did that either, but then UNTUCKit came along and introduced the thought into my head. 

The casual men’s clothing company now has 80+ stores across the U.S. and Canada and entered the NFL Hall of Fame in 2019 after airing a commercial starring Drew Brees dragging the "NOLA No-Call.”  

The worst part about Vlatko Andonovski’s new-look USWNT is probably the absence of right back Kelley O’Hara. There’s nothing Andonovski could do to change that — O’Hara is still dealing with an ankle injury that forced her to miss a significant portion of the NWSL season. 

So the Utah Royals defender is currently continuing her recovery in Washington, D.C., where her partner lives. Last we saw of O’Hara, she was chugging Budweiser in Paris…

Soccer in America is failing, they say. The USMNT sucks! The USWNT will soon be passed by Europeans!

Soccer, we’ve been told, will never fully succeed in America.

Well now, Americans have found a way to stay relevant in soccer — at least once our robot overlords take over. 

In a series of videos that is sure haunt your nightmares, some “Mini Cheetah” robots from MIT have been shown to frolic, run, gallop, trot, prance, do backflips and, yes, play soccer.

Remember when the number one rule about tattoos was that you weren’t supposed to ask the inked party what they meant? Loaded with personal significance, tattoos typically stood as an enigma, and if we’re being cynical, that’s usually the sort of personal brand that the tattooed individual was hoping to cultivate. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no boomer! I’m a fan of ink, but there’s something not quite right with Nicolás Otamendi’s collection here.