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It’s a mark of how colossal soccer has become that some major newspapers often separate their soccer journalism from the other sports they feature. Of course, with media coverage comes the actual monkeys with typewriters (or seeing as we’re in the 21st century, ex-pros short of a few quid with iPads).
These are the men and women who keep the hype train oiled and running smoothly during the days without a match, but such is the pressure to fill column inches that in-depth analysis can often be replaced with idle speculation on "the 5 players Manchester City must sign in January to win the league"
That said, there are also exceptional journalists and pundits in the business, whose wit and élan can transform the most stultifying 0-0 into a Michael Bay blockbuster, with verbal pyrotechnics and linguistic special effects to set the pulse racing. So let us proceed to shame the shysters and salute the special ones.
Michael Owen
A magical moment from the Mystic Meg of soccer writing, Michael "when they don’t score they hardly ever win" Owen dusts down his crystal ball to forecast the end of United’s Champions League woes under the steady hand of Louis Van Gaal.
If by "fitting in perfectly," Owen meant "will alienate the fans and ex-United players with a soporific brand of football", "will declare that United are mediocre" or "will preside over a loss to Bournemouth despite having spent £250 million on squad reinforcements," then you’d have to say he hit the nail on the head. But he obviously didn’t. So he didn’t.
Ryan Bailey
Oh Ryan. Never mind eh? We can’t all be Nostradamus.
Of course, in your case, it’s more of a No-blooming-idea-mus. This particular quote is sensational for the soccer fan of 2015: "But, in my opinion, the much more likely scenario is one mirroring the career of Robinho: a shining star at Santos whose star gradually fades as he spends more time in Europe."
Hey, it’s not really your fault, Ryan. You’ve got to be controversial and get people talking. The only trouble is, those people would probably be saying things like "Neymar has just become the first Barcelona player to win the La Liga Player of the Month Award" or "Neymar is the top scorer in La Liga so far this season." Knowing your prediction skills Ryan, you probably put $100 on Chelsea defending their league title this season.
Garth Crooks
Not quite such an open-and-shut case with Garth. The BBC’s first-choice for constructing a "Premier League Team of the Week" has been known to go for a 3-1-3-3 featuring six strikers in the past, the kind of tactical suicide that would give Tony Pulis an aneurysm.
Even Luis Enrique might tell Garth to sleep on it. On the other hand, Garth has an inimitable way with words, calling Yannick Bolasie an "electric eel" or Stoke City "Fagin-like mean." Not every man would be brave enough to break out a Charles Dickens reference when describing Ryan Shawcross’s return to a stout back four, but Garth has no time for the illiterati.
Occasionally forgetting about how football is actually played pales into insignificance against one man’s bid to bring the English canon to life. Lay on, MacDuff!
Grant Wahl
Finally, a man who really is a class apart. Senior Writer at Sports Illustrated since 2000, author of the first soccer book (The Beckham Experiment) to become a New York Times bestseller, Grant Wahl belongs in the pantheon of great soccer journalists.
Whether we are whisked from the prosaic fields of Portland to the cut and thrust of bloodthirsty pirates ("Nagbe became that player in the central midfield for Portland, swashbuckling his way through the middle at certain times") or having the horror of a fiery demise conjured up before us in a piece dripping with emotion ("He didn’t have to torch Johnson publicly but did so anyway. Klinsmann could have kept the issue in-house but for some reason decided to air it to the wider world."), Wahl makes it all seem to matter so much more than 22 men trying to put a ball in a net.
The rich tapestry of a worldwide conversation about soccer continues, and it can be hard to delve into the vortex for quality journalism. But then again, sometimes you just want a laugh at some ludicrous predictions or fatuous statements that reveal nothing more than a writer’s desire to feed their own ego and collect their column fee. The reader is king, and long may that continue.
