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News

Lewandowski Caps 11-Minute Hat Trick With Crotch Goal vs. Hapless Salzburg

By Travis Yoesting March 8, 2022
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Bayern Munich stormed into the Champions League quarterfinals with a dominant win over Salzburg. But hey, the Medford Messi had an assist.
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Robert Lewandowski is the most clinical striker in men’s football right now. Give him half a chance and he’ll bury it. Give him three of the easiest chances in the world and he’ll have an 11-minute hat trick. He’ll even score one with his crotch, because why not?

Bayern Munich scored four first-half goals — three by Lewandowski — on the way to a 7-1 win over RB Salzburg to advance to the Champions League quarterfinals 8-2 on aggregate on Tuesday in Munich. 

Aside from triggering Brazil fans, the 7-1 score line was Salzburg’s worst-ever defeat in Europe, surpassing the 6-2 loss suffered last season against, you guessed it, Europe’s big bully, Bayern Munich. 

Salzburg’s Maximilian Wöber had himself a nightmare of a match. The 24-year-old Austrian center back fouled Lewandowski in the box twice in the opening 20 minutes and then was nowhere to be found defensively when Lewandowski completed a hat trick moments later. 

Worst of all, after conceding the first penalty Wöber had some disgusting mucus on his chin, clearly dumbfounded against the Bavarian blitz Salzburg couldn’t contain. 

Robert Lewandowski Hat Trick vs Salzburg

Tuesday’s match started off with a bang, both teams nearly scoring in the opening five minutes. Bayern’s chance looked like one of those FIFA plays where every player has a 99 rating, a trio of passes pinged around in impossibly perfect fashion before Lewandowski had his shot saved by Philipp Köhn. Moments later Nicolás Capaldo’s shot from near the penalty spot was deflected wide.

Then began Wöber’s woeful day.

In the 10th minute following a superb turn from Lewandowski, Wöber felt his best option was to go all in and hope for the best, conceding a penalty in the process. In his defense, Lewandowski was probably about to score and he didn’t even pick up a yellow card for the offense, so it wasn’t a horrible decision, even if Lewandowski buried the penalty kick with ease.

Less than 10 minutes later, Wöber again fouled Lewandowski, this time on the edge of the 18. The referee initially ruled the foul was outside of the box, probably out of sympathy, but the VAR intervened and awarded a penalty. Lewandowski again sent Köhn the wrong way to make it 2-0.

A mere two minutes after that, Lewandowski had his hat trick. 

Instead of converting from the spot, Lewandowski switched things up by scoring with his crotch. After some shockingly relaxed defending (and Wöber once again failing to do anything good), the ball caromed off post giving the Polish striker all the time in the world to put the ball into the back of the net.

With a three-goal advantage the Round of 16 tie was all but over at 4-1 on aggregate, but Bayern wasn’t done. 

Serge Gnabry made it 4-0 in just over half an hour.

By halftime, the only question left to answer was which sexy young manager wore his turtleneck better. (Both Julian Nagelsmann and Matthias Jaissle are younger than their respective Bayern and Salzburg captains.)

Embed from Getty Images

Embed from Getty Images

At halftime, Jaissle took off a center back, but mercilessly not Wöber but his center-back partner Oumar Solet. Neither Wöber nor Solet’s replacement, Kamil Piatkowski, came anywhere close to Thomas Müller when he scored Bayern’s fifth of the match less than 10 minutes into the second half.

At this point we should mention American attacking midfielder Brenden Aaronson started the match and spent a lot of time watching his defenders pick the ball out of their own net. The Medford Messi was superb in the first leg, creating five chances and assisting on one goal in the 1-1 draw in Salzburg. 

With his eighth start in the Champions League, Aaronson tied a record set by Jermaine Jones for most by an American in a single season. He won’t get a chance to break the record.

Aaronson set up Salzburg’s only goal, wonderfully taking the ball from his own half before laying it off for Maurits Kjaergaard to hammer home for a nice consolation.

Alas, Bayern restored its five-goal advantage when Müller tallied his second and moments later Leroy Sané completed the destruction after Salzburg failed to play out of the back.

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