On Saturday, Everton beat Chelsea 2-0 in the sixth round of the FA Cup at Goodison Park in scintillating fashion. There was drama, sensational goals (OMG Romelu Lukaku), and one or two good kicks in the shin (that may be putting it lightly — at times the play on the field more or less resembled a parking lot brawl after a few too many at the company softball game). Basically it was everything you’d expect from a cup tie of that magnitude.
But what was perhaps more striking than the match itself, was the post match interview with Michael Oliver — the referee of the match. And while there is no actual footage of the interview, we have fortunately obtained (made up) a transcript of it. We detail that below.
Disclaimer: this interview didn't actually take place. As far as we know.
Reporter: Thanks for taking the time, Michael.
Michael: Of course.
Reporter: Quite the match, wasn’t it?
Michael: Yes.
(Reporter remains silent, as if he’s waiting for more)
Michael: If I were a lesser man I might have wet myself.
(Michael laughs; awkward silence from reporter)
Reporter: Right. So Michael, how was it out there? It seemed to be a rather chippy affair?
Michael: Well yeah, you know a FA Cup tie of this magnitude is always going to have some, well, bite
Reporter: Was that a reference to Diego Costa?
Michael: I’m sorry?
Reporter: The Diego Costa red card. It appeared as though he took a nibble at Gareth Barry’s neck?
Michael: I didn’t see it.
Reporter: Surely you’ve seen a replay by now?
(Michael looks down at his phone and scrolls through his Twitter news feed. He grimaces, as though he sees something that’s both shocking and surprising — like Diego Costa taking a nibble at Gareth Barry’s neck)
Michael: I’m sorry, what’s that?
Reporter: What were you looking at? Just there?
Michael: Hmm?
Reporter: You made a face while looking at your phone? A face that suggested you saw something both shocking and surprising — like Diego Costa taking a nibble at Gareth Barry’s neck.
Michael: I don’t think I did.
Reporter: You definitely did. Let me see what you’re looking at.
Michael: No.
Reporter: Give it here.
Michael: Not a chance.
(The reporter grabs at Michael’s phone. Michael, being the taller of the two, dodges the attempt and raises the phone straight up into the air like an older brother withholding the last piece of candy from his younger brother’s grasp [younger brother would go on to become valedictorian at Harvard — dual major in accelerator physics and world peace — citing that very moment as the moment that made him the man he was today]).
Reporter: Give it here, Michael!
Michael: Never!
(The scuffle continues. As the two slap at each other like a pair of six-year-old girls not really sure what they’re fighting about anymore, Michael likes a gif of Costa biting at Barry’s neck on his Twitter news feed)
Reporter: I saw that!
Michael: Saw what?
(The two run into the camera man in all the commotion, knocking down the camera, effectively removing them from live television.)
(Static)
And that right there, somehow, perfectly sums up the day at Goodison Park.
