With another international break coming around the corner, The18 knows you are going to be busting out the national kit and brushing up on your national anthem, all in the name of your native land. In honor of national camaraderie, The18 has compiled a collection of images that say everything that needs to be said about the biggest national soccer programs in the world.
We feel more cultured already.
Germany
Photo courtesy of We all know what is going on here. Pictured above are Mario Gotze, the German wunderkind whose life is much better than yours, and Rihana, someone who’s life is also definitely much better than yours. That is kind of the theme around the German National Program, “Germany: Much Better Than You.”
This has less to do with the fact that Germany won the World Cup in 2014, and more to do with the reality that they are probably going to win the next one, too. With a current average age of 26.3 years and a never-ending influx of talent, The18 sees this all leading to one conclusion in 2018: “Germany: Still Much Better Than You.”
Mexico
Photo: Dimitar Dilkoff | Getty Images
Miguel Herrera is Mexico’s tiny, combustable version of the Dark Night: not the hero they deserved, but the hero they needed. Miguel guided Mexico out of dark times, and made sure they avoided missing out on the World Cup for the first time since 1990.
Now? Every time the Mexican men’s national team succeeds, we are all treated to the human sideline fireworks display that is Herrera.
Mexico, it might have taken you four coaches in six weeks to find the right one, but boy was it worth it.
England
Photo courtesy of www.miguelherreraforengland.com
And what would our “Miguel Herrera: Savior” theme be without someone desperately needing to be saved? Filling that role with class and elegance, we present “England: Chronic Underachiever.”
By now, the phrase “World Cup” must conjure up repressed memories of Robert Green’s botched save and Luis Suarez stampeding towards the goal. Fans are frustrated that “same old England” will just keep showing up in international tournament after international tournament.
Old, boring, underperforming, all of these words do not describe Miguel Herrera, which is why some bloke took to the Internet to create miguelherreraforengland.com. On the surface, it makes sense, Herrera’s passion could be the catalyst that set-in-stone Roy Hodgson could never be. But operating on the surface is what the Internet specializes in. It is when it tries to go deeper than bad things start to happen.
Theoretically, Herrera for England could be the most genius campaign of all time, or it could just be a poetically fitting addition to the annals of “How England Gets It Wrong.”
Brazil
Photo: Marcos Brindicci | Reuters
Brazil, we feel your pain. We didn’t really have a choice if we felt it or not, images of young Brazilian children crying have been intermittently bombarding us ever since a certain 7 - 2 defeat. So, we get it. You feel alone and empty. But, there is hope!
You have Neymar! So, like the lonely fan in the picture above, hide all of your sudden feelings of abandonment behind the thought of Neymar scoring hat trick after hat trick, and leading a brand new, young, and exciting Brazil to victory at Russia 2018!
See? It’s not so bad.
United States
Photo courtesy of www.washingtonpost.com
Well, this is awkward. Most of you were probably expecting some glorious image of Julian Green volleying home the equalizer against Belgium, and then for us to contribute optimistic prose about the future of the USMNT, but that would be avoiding the writing on the wall.
The U.S. Women’s National Team is more successful than the Men’s National Team, and it is not even close. Let’s just go over the acheivements of the USWNT: Champions of 4 out of the last 5 Olympics, which are infinitely more competitive for women’s soccer than men’s; 2-time World Cup Champions, and runners up in the 2011 tournament; and they are the #1 ranked Women’s National Team in the world.
Meanwhile, in Man-Land, USA, Jurgen Klinsman is off somewhere trying to convince Gedion Zelalem to pledge allegiance to the flag.
Netherlands
Cusom formation and photo courtesy of www.footballuser.com
Behold, the hallowed 1-1-3-4. Only the brilliant attacking minds of the Dutch could conceive of such a formation. Who else would have the audacity to play a striker in front of a false-9 in front of a center forward? Who else would play an inverted diamond of attacking midfielders behind that triumvirate? WHO ELSE WOULD…
Sorry, it is hard not to get carried away when comprehending such a comprehensive concert of creative characters captivating the craniums of Dutch compatriots!
OK, in all serious now, The18 knows what the Dutch are meant to do - attack - and we are still getting over the shock of seeing the Brazil 2014 version of the Oranje lineup in a formation that was pretty much the exact opposite of the 1-1-3-4. That is all past us now, and - fake formations aside - we all look forward to the glorious, defenseless future of the Dutch National Team.
Portugal
Photo: Bryn Lennon | Getty Images
This photo, more than any of the others, depicts the exact landscape of the Portuguese Men’s National Team: there is Cristiano Ronaldo, and then there is everyone else. Oh, and then there is Nani in the background, photobombing and otherwise making a general nuisance of himself.
Portugal would not have qualified for the World Cup without Ronaldo, and it took a heroic effort by “Ron Ron the Goal Scoring Machine” in order for Portugal to qualify with him. That speaks volumes about the talent of Ronaldo, because there are quality players all across Portugal’s roster, like Nani.
The Ronaldo-ettes know to just get out of Cristiano’s way when the game starts, because that is how they win, but that is no way for a championship winning team to operate. You know what? Maybe that is why Nani is always getting in Ronaldo’s way…
Columbia
Photo: Adam Pretty | Getty Images
Man, it is a good year to be a Columbian Soccer fan. Your national team’s World Cup run captivated the world this past summer in Brazil. Your team is filled with exciting young talent. You’ve got Falcao at Manchester, with the opportunity to be the savior of the United franchise. You’ve got the break-out star of the World Cup, James Rodriguez, quite literally kicking it with Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale at Real Madrid. You even have the best goal celebrations.
This all leads to only one logical conclusion: Columbia, you brought sexy back.
And, honestly, The18 is starting to wonder what took you so long.
Argentina
Photo courtesty of www.1hrsport.com
Does Diego Maradona really want Messi to surpass him as the greatest Argentinian of all time? Probably not.
Is it unfair that Messi will always be second best to Maradona in the mind of Argentinians until he wins the World Cup? It probably is.
Does the rest of the world get to reap the benefits of watching Messi try to overcome the spectre of the Cosmic Kite? Yes. And for that, Argentina, we thank you.
In truth, The18 is thankful for all of the memories and exciting players that you have brought to us. And we sincerely hope that Messi accomplishes what he needs to accomplish in order for Maradona to no longer be able to dismissively pat Messi on the head as he stretches. For that, Argentina will definitely thank him.
