With the recent release of EA Sport’s FIFA 15, The18 knows many of you are rediscovering your passion for virtual soccer, for better or for worse. If you have suspicions that you are entering a downward spiral of FIFA addiction, and want catch yourself before your grades drop or your work suffers, here are some signs that you may be squeezing the sprint trigger more than you are touching an actual ball.
1. You Talk About Everyone’s Soccer Skills In Terms Of FIFA Stats.
Photo: @JoshTorn | Twitter
We all love FIFA’s nice, color-coded quantitative breakdowns of a player's characteristics. They are easy to read, and very helpful in comparing players when contemplating your starting line up.
For you, however, it has become so intuitive that you can’t help but describe every player around you - on TV, on your team, even yourself - in terms of their real or imagined FIFA statistics.
If you walk up to a pick-up game and open converstation with, “I’ve got great dribbling and long shots, I need to play as an inverted winger,” or, “My short passing is way better than my long passing,” you play more FIFA than real soccer.
If you run past a defender, and immediately start to reckon that your sprint speed would be rated at least in the low seventies (trust us, it’d be lower), you play more FIFA than real soccer.
If you watch Barcelona on TV and after Messi scores, the following goes through your head: “Man, you could really see Messi’s 97 dribbling at work" - yup, you guessed it: You play more FIFA than real soccer.
2. You Quote FIFA Commentary While Participating In Actual Games Of Soccer.
"Your commentators this evening are Martin Tyler (left) and Alan Smith (right)" Photo: @SkyFootball | Twitter
Martin Tyler has long been a part of the FIFA franchise. Anyone who played enough of FIFA 10 fondly remembers him blurting out “ZLATAN IMBRAHIMOVIC!” whenever passing the ball to big Z in the box. Such a long name, so little time so say it.
Now, if FIFA is still a major part of your life, you definitely have a litany of FIFA commentary quotes on memory speed-dial. When you play soccer IRL, you just can’t help scream out such appropriate lines as:
“Still danger!”
and
“And it leads to this shot! They’ve scored!”
or
“And it’s in! The header! Great goal!"
And who could forget the classic, “How’s he cut that out? Wonderful Play!”
Of course - with apologies for this writer’s limited understanding of Spanish - nothing quite captures the glory of scoring a goal like the Mexican-Spanish Commentary classics:
“GOLAZO AZO AZO AZO AZO AZO AAAAAAZOOOOOOOOO!!!”
and, rising,”gol gol gol gol gol gol GOL!!!”
Ah, you can hear it now…
3. You Never Recruit Players Over The Age Of 25 To Your Recreational Soccer Team.
"You need to gtfo" Photo: @happybirthtime | Twitter
Everyone knows that when it comes to Manager Mode, youth and development are key. In every year's iteration, FIFA has certain young players who, after a season or three of development, suddenly become world beaters. This writer remembers well when he purchased Willian on the cheap in FIFA 12, only to have him bloom into an 87 rated, pacey, defense destroying monster.
The crux of the situation, however, is that youth cannot develop if they are not young, so, as a virtual manager, you never waste your time on lost causes, a.k.a. players over 25. Being the cold-hearted, calculating manager you are in real life, you apply this same logic to your recreational soccer team.
“What’s that Scottie? Oh, it’s your birthday! Mind if I ask how old you're turning? 26! Oh, well, I just don’t know how you fell through the cracks. Time to hang up the boots, Scottie. You had a good run, and the team really appreciates everything you’ve given us, but, well, you’re all washed up. Oh, and consider this my RSVP for the party, you should know I’m allergic to peanuts.”
4. When A Big Transfer Happens, You Immediately Can’t Wait To Play As That Team In FIFA.
Because Lewandowski (pictured), Robben, Ribery, and Gotze won't just play themselves. Photo: @TeleFootball | Twitter
Superteams. They may be fun to watch, but you know they are more fun to control.
When the transfers for Luis Suarez or James Rodriguez and Toni Kroos went through, you didn’t think “Holy s***, my favorite team is never going to be able to compete with them.” Oh no, your first thought was “Holy s***, those teams are going to be so much fun to play as in FIFA.” Chances are you don't even watch said superteams when they are on TV, which is saying something, because they are on TV all of the time.
Now, go online and make some user of a 4-star team cry as you zip up the field with ridiculous combinations between Messi, Neymar, and Luis Suarez.
5. When It Is Time To Pick Teams, You Only Pick The Fastest Players.
"I don' tink dats gonna work, man" Photo: @AJE_Sport | Twitter
The secret is out. It has been out for a long time. Pace is king in the world of FIFA.
That is why Barcelona’s Ivan Rakitic will always be favored over Xavi, and why he might even give Inietsta a run for his money for a spot in the starting 11. It’s why Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang really isn’t that much of a downgrade from Robert Lewandowski. And why, when it comes time to pick teams for a pickup game of soccer, you always choose the fastest players you know.
Does this virtual pace-whoring transfer over into real life? Of course not. Does that matter to you? It’s a shame you even have to ask.
Your teams probably lose all of the time, but my god is the other team tired of chasing you.
6. You Pull Off A Cool Dribbling Move, And Immediately Think Of The Corresponding FIFA Skill Move Directions.
Photo: Maniiia | Reddit
Like Neo figuring out the Matrix, you see the defender running at you and, in a flash, you take in to account the factors of space, speed, and angle of attack. All of the sudden “flick backward then right for an elastico chop” flies to the front of your head.
You usually end up failing terribly at the move, because skill moves are incredibly hard to pull off in real life - and because you are thinking about a video game and not your own feet - but you pull yourself up every time with the knowledge that you totally would have owned that moment in FIFA.
And when we say pull yourself up, we mean that quite literally. You fall over when you try to pull off the elastico chop.
7. Serial Rage Quitting Has Led To You Taking Recreational Soccer A Little Too Seriously.
Everyone goes through a losing streak now and then, but you have let your frustrations online creep into your pick-up games and Sunday league. Everyone else is just enjoying the game, competing, but not really at odds with the possibility of losing.
You, on the other hand, react to every goal against you as if…well…
And you are in such a bad mood after a loss that no one wants to hang out with you after the game.
Play on amateur difficulty for a little bit. Your friends, family, and that nascent ulcer will appreciate it.
8. You Wish You Could Play Soccer Like Marius Hjerpseth Plays FIFA.
You play FIFA because it lets you do things on a virtual soccer pitch that you could never dream of doing on a real one. Such an idea of escapism is nothing new to video games - it is why they are popular to begin with - but FIFA is different.
Every time you dribble past a defender or score a great goal, you get a little burst of satisfaction that, we imagine, is not unlike when someone who has been deprived of candy for a year, suddenly is fed a skittle every 5 seconds. It is what makes FIFA addicting, and why, even after a string of rage quits, you always come back for more.
Marius Hjerpseth has caused a lot of those rage quits because - and there is no other way to put this - Marius Hjerpseth is "The Greatest FIFA Goal Scorer Of All Time." Not "The Highest FIFA Goal Scorer," or "The Scorer Of FIFA’s Greatest Goal." No, Marius has turned scoring amazing goals into a style of play. His Gamertag is “AmazingGoals,” for cryin’ out loud, do you need to know more? You do? Well, that is why he made this montage.
Hjerpseth isn’t just randomly twirling the sticks around like a 10-year-old trying to figure out how to Rainbow Kick. He is pulling off move after calculated move. He creates pieces of play that prove FIFA does exactly what it set out to do: simulate the beautiful game. He doesn’t just win games, he embarrasses the competition in the name of scoring the greatest goals he can. He’s the virtual manifestation of Eric Cantona advocating for Joga Bonito:
In the midst of all of the pace abuse and frustrating tactics people use online, Hjerpseth just goes out and scores amazing goals. You don’t just want to play FIFA like Marius Hjerpseth plays FIFA. You want to play soccer like he plays FIFA, too, and who could blame you?
