We here in soccer media are very stupid. Much of the time, we don't even know how to properly stylize the names of the teams we're writing about!
Luckily, the MLS has come out with a handy style guide for urchin media members such as ourselves who keep writing MLS team names in non-MLS-approved stylizations. This is a thing that the world definitely needed, and you can read the whole thing here.
Meanwhile, we got hold of the MLS's alternate style guide, in case the first one broke down, which we found in the same place the Republicans are keeping the healthcare bill. Here it is, in full:
Atlanta United FC
Correct:
(please see SB Nation's list of alternative team names for Atlanta United)
Incorrect:
Atlanda United FC
Chicago Fire
Correct:
The Team That Is Named After A Thing That Almost Destroyed The City
Incorrect:
The Team That Was Good For A Long Time But Is Bad Now, The Team Used As An Argument Against Promotion/Relegation In The USA
Colorado Rapids
Correct:
Remember Rapidman? That Guy Was Super Crazy
Incorrect:
The Team With Four Mascots That Don't Make Sense
Columbus Crew SC
Correct:
Party College Town SC, Team Based In The Place The USMNT Plays Against Mexico When They Don't Want Mexico To Have Home-Field Advantage
Incorrect:
Colombus Crew SC, Columbus Crewe SC
D.C. United
Correct:
BILL HAMID SHOULD BE THE USMNT GOALKEEPER. WE'RE NOT GOING TO SAY THIS AGAIN
Incorrect:
SERIOUSLY THOUGH BILL HAMID
Houston Dynamo
Correct:
"A dynamo is an electrical generator that produces direct current with the use of a commutator."
Incorrect:
Douston Hynamo
LA Galaxy
Correct:
The Team That Had David Beckham, The Team That Had Landon Donovan, The Team That Had Steven Gerrard, The Team That Has Giovani Dos Santos
Incorrect:
The Team That Had Nigel De Jong
Los Angeles FC
Correct:
The Team Owned By Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell Is A Minority Owner Of This Team
Incorrect:
The Team That Doestn't Even Exist Yet, The Team That Used To Be Chivas USA
Minnesota United FC
Correct:
THE LOONS, The Team That Connor Fleming Supports
Incorrect:
Folksy Midwestern Folks FC, Incorrectly Pronouncing The Word "Bag" FC, FC Cheese Curds
Montreal Impact
Correct:
Brace For Impact (Live A Little), Deep Impact
Incorrect:
NO ACTUALLY WE HAVEN'T SEEN DIDIER DROGBA AROUND WHY DO YOU ASK
New England Revolution
Correct:
New England Patriots
Incorrect:
The Team That Doesn't Even Have Its Own Stadium, The Buffalo Bills Of The MLS, Tampa Bay Mutiny
New York City FC
Correct:
Manchester City FC
Incorrect:
The Team That Currently Employs Mix Diskerud
New York Red Bulls
Correct:
New York Red Bulls, MetroStars
Incorrect:
RB Leipzig, Red Bull Salzburg, Red Bull Brasil, Red Bull Ghana
Orlando City FC
Correct:
Incorrect:
Wouldn't Be Relevant If Kaka Didn't Play There
Portland Timbers FC
Correct:
Precious Soccer Hipsters FC, I Love That Show Portlandia. You Have To See It. It's So Funny
Incorrect:
Minnesota Timberwolves
Philadelphia Union
Correct:
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
Incorrect:
Union Berlin, Union Jack, United Steelworkers Union, Union Pacific
Real Salt Lake
Correct:
Lakers
Incorrect:
Real Salt Lake
San Jose Earthquakes
Correct:
The Entire Wikipedia Entry For The Movie San Andreas, A 2015 Disaster Film Starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson And Paul Giamatti
Incorrect:
Quakers
Seattle Sounders FC
Correct:
The Team That Somehow Won The MLS Cup Even Though They Didn't Get A Shot On Goal During The Final
Incorrect:
The Sound Of Music, The Sound Of Silence
Sporting Kansas City
Correct:
Kansas City Wizards
Incorrect:
Sporting Kansas City
Toronto FC
Correct:
The Best Team In Canada
Incorrect:
The Worst Team in Canada, The Middle Team In Canada
Vancouver Whitecaps
Correct:
Whitecaps, Caps, Cappers, Vans, Couvs, Vancouvs, Couvers
Incorrect:
Remember that Time Vancouver Had To Import Snow For The Winter Olympics? Us Too
So remember, media trash, use the proper MLS stylizations, or else.
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