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Valentine’s Day is a time for Hallmark to sell cards, Russell Stover to sell chocolates and your local florist to sell flowers. It’s a time for partners to celebrate their love and single people to dwell on their wretched singleness. It’s not a time for this idiot playing FIFA.
To all the FIFA players with significant others out there this Valentine’s Day, please do not treat your partner like this idiot playing FIFA.
Do not remove all of the living room furniture and the gerbils without asking.
Do not bring an inflatable kiddie pool into your living room and fill it with water.
Do not play FIFA while halfway submerged in tepid water and bottles of beer.
Do not act surprised when your partner discovers all this stupid shit you’ve done and freaks out.
Do not ignore the poor dog, who has no idea wtf is going on.
Do not offer your partner a Bud Light. Just in general, not really anything to do with this scenario in particular.
Do not be an idiot playing FIFA in a gorram kiddie pool. It will only aggravate your partner. He or she might even call you by your full name like your mom then walk out, perhaps never to be seen again.
Do tell your partner how you feel about him or her on Valentine's Day, using words and actions that don’t involve being an idiot playing FIFA.
Do buy your partner something nice, like flowers, chocolate or tickets to a show. If you can’t afford a gift, make something, like dinner, dessert or a piece of art.
Do have a lovely Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re this idiot playing FIFA.
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