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While the 2nd Republican Nominee Debate on Wednesday contained about as much substance as a Dr. Seuss book, it was nevertheless a spectacle that forced viewers into wrestling with some of life’s most pressing conundrums: Is Donald Trump actually a 14-year-old girl in an ill-thatched, middle-aged billionaire’s body? Why did an audience of presumably otherwise intelligent individuals feel the need to applaud an inanimate object (Air Force One)? And what, exactly, is Mike Huckabee?
However, the overriding question that every viewer was surely left pondering wasn’t the candidates’ views on the Iran deal or Carly Fiorina’s face, but this: if each Republican Presidential hopeful was a Premier League soccer team, which one would they be?
We know it’s been gnawing at you, so The18 decided to put its 12 collective brain cells into action to draw up the definitive (definitive being, in this case, as many of the myriad hopefuls, hangers-on and also-rans we could remember the names of) list of the Republican Presidential Candidates and which EPL team they're the living personification of.
Fill your boots.
Donald Trump: Chelsea
The nuveau riche upstart, lacking the airs and graces of his more refined and established rivals, yet capable of spectacular success nevertheless. Bought his way to the top table and is enjoying the limelight, not least when launching into brainless, inflammatory and bombastic diatribes during press conferences or debates. Has a penchent for casual racism to boot.
Rand Paul: Arsenal
Clever and intelligent – dare we say professorial? Too philosophically rigid, however, to enjoy sustained success. His dogmatism will cost him the title.
Ted Cruz: Liverpool
Smooth talker, with nice hair and teeth to boot. Ultimately, however, a vacuous disappointment.
Carly Fiorina: Norwich City
Promoted from the second tier to the top table and holding her own quite nicely indeed, thank you very much. Not averse to shouting for attention, and may have to be upgraded to Manchester City if trajectory continues at current rate.
Jeb Bush: Manchester United
The establishment candidate, with a long family history of success at the very top of the game. Things haven’t been going quite so well of late, however, following a series of staid, pedestrian performances.
Chris Christie: West Brom (or any other team managed by Tony Pulis)
Tough, street-wise disciplinarian, but proof that toughness and discipline can only get you so far.
Ben Carson: Swansea City
The thinking man’s candidate, largely overlooked before the start, but proving that thoughtfulness and intelligence can sometimes rival name recognition and deep pockets, even if ultimately unsuccessful.
Scott Walker: Aston Villa
So very, very dull.
