Humor

It was only two weeks ago when we were treated to one of the most astounding open goal misses in the history of football over in Serbia. The gift of giving to helpless defenses seems to be in the air this holiday season as a Greek fourth division match has offered up its own tragic epic. 

When I was a young lad my youth soccer team had a throw-in routine that we labelled “Pikachu”, much to the embarrassment of our coach. The player taking the throw-in would gleefully scream out the play over and over, and we’d get giddy as all hell at the opportunity to execute. Standing in a well-organized line four or five deep, the players towards the front would peel off laterally while the player at the very back of the queue would steam forward to collect the throw-in. 

Melbourne City defeated Sydney FC in the FFA Cup final thanks to a goal from Australian demigod Tim Cahill, but the real story on the night was one of intimacy and the tenderness shown between a seagull, Sydney goalkeeper Danny Vukovic and a sideline avian masseuse — E.L. James, I hope you’re taking notes.

At this point, we should all be familiar with the continuous vacuum of noise surrounding Cristiano Ronaldo. Detractors claim he’s not the player he once was, Ronaldo scores eight La Liga goals in four matches. Haters claim that he’s egotistical and self-obsessed, he shows just how good this has made him and what it’s earned him.  

The record for the fastest red card ever in soccer is somewhat dubious: is it limited to professionals? What about amateur leagues? Does the player actually have to play a second before being sent off? These are the kinds of ridiculous variables you must factor into determining the fastest red card ever in soccer.

According to the Guardian, there have been a number of instances when substitutes have been sent off without having ever played a second in the match.

You’ll likely be aware that the great majority of people on this planet refer to the beautiful game, that noblest of sports, not as soccer, but football. You’re also probably up to speed on the fact that soccer is in fact a long-since-abandoned piece of British slang, principally used by public (read: posh) school boys in 19th century England to distinguish football from their true love: rugby.