The Academy Awards Ceremony, one of the biggest, most elite social gatherings in the world, is about to take place. The thought of all that impending pomp and circumstance got us to thinking: what would the Oscars be like if they were given out not for the best in the world of cinema, but for the best in the world of soccer?
What match would win Best Picture? Who would win Best Actor? Would you even want to win Best Actor?
As it turns out no, no you don’t...but you’ll find out all about that soon enough.
We have taken on the monumental task of answering these questions, and we came up with some pretty good answers, if we do say so ourselves.
Best Picture: Barcelona at Real Madrid | 3-23-2014
This game had absolutely everything. It was a back and forth affair that made those lucky enough to watch it understand why El Clásico is such an amazing institution. By the time Barcelona came out on top, seven goals had been scored, one fight had broken out, three penalties had been awarded, Sergio Ramos had been thrown out, and millions of miles of fans' arteries had been put through enough stress to cause a minor endemic of heart attacks.
Games like this just don’t happen every week. It takes perfect competitive balance, and this game just happened to find that balance at the top of the footballing world. That is truly special.
Best Actor: Giancarlo Gonzalez
Nothing screams excellence like being fined for an undisclosed amount, which is exactly what the happened to Giancarlo Gonzalez when the powers that be at the MLS caught a glance at the above footage.
Just the shear audacity to flop as dramatically as Gonzalez did literally seconds after leveling Wondolowski is what separates him from the rest of the herd. One moment he is the enforcer, the next he is the victim. You know what that is? Depth of character. You just don’t find much of that these days, and that’s why we couldn’t help but give the award to Gonzalez.
Best Director: Pep Guardiola
Photo: @FIFAcom | Twitter
No one is as creative as Pepe Guardiola. He has fielded teams in formations we have never seen before, and combined players and roles in ways we weren’t though possible. This past year at Bayern Munich has been no different.
He has deployed Franck Ribery and Arjen Robben in midfield, and fielded what might be the first ever center-back/attacking midfielder hybrid ever in David Alaba. Playing with three at the back has long been known as a defensive tactic, but Guardiola has managed to turn it into one of the most dynamic attacking philosophies in the world.
Best Music: Liverpool
“And for the 30th consecutive year running, Liverpool takes home the Oscar for ‘Best Music.’”
OK, OK, but seriously, Liverpool’s Anfield is home to one of the greatest atmospheres in the world, and its singing and chants are a major reason. You’ll never walk alone may or may not have been first taken up by Celtic FC, but Liverpool has made the song entirely its own. To hear it is to hear the manifestation of passion, and this season has been no different. The club deserves to win this award year after year.
Make Up and Hair Styling: Mamadou Sakho
Photo: parismatch.com | sport.gentside.com
The world of soccer is full of amazing and unique hairstyles, but in the end we really couldn’t choose anyone else except Sakho. The man’s nickname is “The Beast,” and his hairstyles this past year have fit that characterization perfectly.
We’d take our hats off to you, Sakho, but we’d feel too self-conscious exposing our basic hairdos in the presence of your excellent cut.
Costume Design: Real Madrid’s Black Away Kits
#TeamDaenerys Photo: khalifatul_22 | Twitter
Riding the Game of Thrones wave to perfection, these jerseys are the coolest thing around right now. The white accents, the dueling grey dragons, it all just comes together perfectly. Our inner fashionista is going crazy.
Sound Mixing: beIN Sport
Honestly, whichever TV channel happens to be graced by the magisterial presence of color commentator Ray Hudson will always win this award. The man can make any game fun to watch. Any other person who tried to say the whimsical, borderline utterly ridiculous things that Hudson spits out with no regard for emotional boundaries would be catagorized as overzealous, and quietly frankly would be thought of as a joke. We laugh at what Hudson says, but our laughter comes from a place of awe, not contempt.
If we were forced to choose one thing to listen to for the rest of our lives, it would be Hudson describing some miraculous feat of footballing magic, because he time and time again completes the improbably task of making us lose our collective s*** harder than we ever could on our own.
