England are looking for a new national team manager, and word on the street* is Donald Trump is interested in the job. we've gotten hold of Trump's letter to the FA** volunteering his services. Here it is in its entirety:
DEAR FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION NERDS,
I, DONALD TRUMP, WITH MY GIANT HANDS WITH NON-SAUSAGE-ESQUE FINGERS AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT MANAGER OF THE THREE LIONS, AND WHEN I GET THE JOB WE WILL WIN SO HARD YOUR WRINKLY ENGLISH FACES WILL FALL OFF.
YOU MIGHT THINK I DON'T KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT SOCCER BUT ACTUALLY I DO BECAUSE I AM SUPER SMART AND KNOW A LOT ABOUT EVERYTHING.
ENGLAND GOT BOUNCED FROM THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS BY A COUNTRY WITH 325,000 PEOPLE IN IT AND NO STANDING ARMY. SAD!
AFTER THAT PERFORMANCE ENGLAND SHOULD HAVE TO SAY THEY WERE AT THE EUROPEAN CHUMPIONSHIPS, AND THAT THEY WON THE WHOLE THING.
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE ENGLAND GOALKEEPER PROBLEM. WITH ME AS COACH WE WOULD NO LONGER HAVE BAD GOALKEEPERS. WE WOULD BRING IN SOME GOOD GOALIES, THE BEST GOALIES. WE WOULD GO OUT AND FIND THE BEST GOALIES AND MAKE THEM OUR GOALIES.
IF NONE OF THE GOALIES ARE GOOD ENOUGH I'LL JUST BE GOALIE. I WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT GOALIE BECAUSE I HAVE YOOGE HANDS. NOT LITTLE HANDS. YOOGE ONES. THAT MEANS I WOULD BE A GOOD GOALIE AND ALSO IT MEANS I HAVE A BIG WEINER THAT I COULD USE TO BLOCK THE BALL WITH.
SPEAKING OF BIG WEINERS, ROY HODGSON.
ROY IS THE BIGGEST LOSER AND I DON'T MEAN THAT HE WON A REALITY SHOW ABOUT FAT PEOPLE. ROY WAS SOFT AND DIDN'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE MANAGER. I WOULD BE A WAY BETTER MANAGER THAN ROY, BECAUSE I AM SUPER GOOD AT GESTICULATING AT PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ACTUALLY LISTENING TO WHAT I'M SAYING.
I'M GOING TO BRING BACK JOHN TERRY AND MAKE HIM CAPTAIN AND I'M GOING TO MAKE JAMIE VARDY VICE-CAPTAIN.
I SEE NO USE FOR MANY OF THE PLAYERS ENGLAND BROUGHT WITH THEM TO FRANCE. NATHANIEL CLYNE, DANNY ROSE, KYLE WALKER, DANIEL STURRIDGE, MARCUS RASHFORD, CHRIS SMALLING, RAHEEM STERLING, RYAN BERTRAND AND DELE ALLI SHOULD NOT HAVE MADE THE SQUAD. SOMETHING JUST RUBS ME THE WRONG WAY ABOUT THOSE GUYS. I'M NOT RACIST OR ANYTHING BUT I REALLY JUST DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.
WHEN I'M COACH OF ENGLAND, WE'LL GET RID OF THE BAD PLAYERS AND BRING IN ALL THE BEST PLAYERS AND WE'LL WIN EVERYTHING AND MAKE ENGLAND GREAT AGAIN, WHICH Y'ALL ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO DOING AFTER LEAVING THE EUROPEAN UNION, WHICH IS FULL OF USELESS AND BAD SOCCER PLAYERS WHICH WE DON'T WANT NEAR US BECAUSE WE'LL ONLY HAVE THE BEST PLAYERS.
I LOOK FORWARD TO TURNING YOUR SORRY SOCCER TEAM FROM LOSERS INTO WINNERS.
SINCERELY, THE DONALD
*There is no such word on the street. As far as we know.
**No such document exists. As far as we know.
Contact The18 Staff Writer Sam Klomhaus at Klomhaus@The18.com or follow him on Twitter @SamKlomhaus
