Part three of a four-part series describing how we made up found some exclusive chapters of Luis Suarez's upcoming, autobiographical book that detail his biting. If you missed parts one and two, read them first. Otherwise you will be very confused.
I didn’t know how staunchly anti-vampire David Cameron was, or even that David Cameron knew vampires existed. But somehow, he knew about vampires. And he knew about me. He called for the FA to bring the hammer down on me, and because he is in charge of the entire country, he got his wish.
And so I stewed in isolation from my teammates once again. Why had Branislav Ivanovic tried to drive a stake through my heart? Why was David Cameron so clearly against vampires? It didn’t add up, so I decided to investigate.
The first person I talked to was Klaus, because he is a wise old man. At least I assume he is old. It’s hard to tell because vampires don’t participate in the whole “aging” thing.
I journeyed to Klaus’s cave in the mountains in Finland. I don’t know why Klaus lives there. It seems like that would be an uncomfortable place to live. But I guess he’s really into that whole “I’m viewed as a menace so I’m going to live like one” thing. I don’t understand it at all. I’ll keep my mansion thank you very much. Maybe Klaus likes the herring.
When I got there, I found Klaus in a spot of trouble. He was at the entrance to his cave surrounded by three burly, menacing-looking fellows. I was about to call out to ask Klaus if he needed some assistance when the fellows set upon Klaus. I rushed to his aid, but aid was not necessary, as Klaus apparently has some kind of magical power that makes him stronger and faster than everyone else. Oh, right. He’s a vampire. Anyway, Klaus quickly dispatched the menacing fellows and called a greeting to me and waved.
“Klaus what just happened?” I asked.
Klaus shrugged. “I’m a vampire,” he said. “People try to hunt me sometimes. Usually amateurs like those buffoons on the ground over there. They probably thought this would be a lark. Idiots. What can I do for you Luis? What brings you so far up north?”
“Klaus, why did Branislav Ivanovic try to drive a stake through my heart? And why is David Cameron after me?” I asked.
“It’s complicated,” Klaus said. “But I will try to explain.”
“Many years ago, I worked as an assistant to a young politically-minded fellow named David Cameron. David and I got along famously for a time, but as tends to happen, a woman got in the way. Her name was Lucy, and she was smart and funny and beautiful and amazing but she and David were an item. I tried to forget about her but I couldn’t contain myself. She and I got drunk at the office Christmas party one year and snuck off while David wasn’t looking. While we were in the throes of passion I went one way and she went another way and I ended up accidentally biting her. I was already a vampire at that point, you see, so I had to tell her what had accidentally transpired. She understandably freaked out. In tears, she rushed back to David and told him what had happened. He was apocalyptically angry, and has never forgiven me. He’s hated vampires ever since. I never spoke to Lucy again. Last I heard, she was living in Romania, which is kind of a cliché but whatever.”
“So I got suspended from Liverpool because you boinked David Cameron’s girlfriend a long time ago?” I said.
“Yes,” said Klaus.
“But why did Ivanovic try to kill me?” I asked.
“I have it on good authority that David Cameron has obtained pictures of Branislav Ivanovic in a very compromising situation. Cameron probably found out about your secret and blackmailed Ivanovic into doing the dirty work,” Klaus said.
“Wow I feel bad for Branislav,” I said.
“Meh, he always struck me as being kind of dickish,” Klaus said.
“So what do I do now?” I asked.
“Go back to Liverpool. Cameron is probably fuming that this attempt didn’t work, but there will be more. Be careful Luis,” Klaus said.
End of part 3. Tune in tomorrow for the final chapter.
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