A moment's silence for Cristiano Ronaldo, if you would. Lost in the hullaballoo of all things Lionel Messi, the revival of Wayne “The Boy Wonder” Rooney and our own personal dreams of winning the Powerball jackpot is the sad tale of Cristiano Ronaldo's past week.
On January 11, he lost the title of the best player in the world to his nemesis. Messi poured salt in Ronaldo’s wounds by claiming, “It’s a very special moment for me…after being there in the audience watching Cristiano win for two years.” Now, it’s Ronaldo’s turn to take it on the chin.
Unfortunately for Ronaldo, just when it seemed things couldn’t get any worse for old twinkle toes, his well endowed statue in his hometown of Funchal, Madeira, was vandalized by late night Messi revelers. Defacing the statue with “Messi 10”, the vandals performed the footballing equivalent of Ben Solo, aka Kylo Ren, pissing on his father Han Solo whilst frozen in carbonate. The horror! The horror!
'Messi 10' daubed on Cristiano Ronaldo statue in his native Madeira https://t.co/qrF6NPjigj pic.twitter.com/Ol4mTURlYz
— AS English (@English_AS) January 12, 2016Like that one song no one can stand anymore, Ronaldo had a bad day. But instead of singing a sad song just to turn it around, Ronaldo has other ideas.
Idea #1: Instagram myself with my £146,000 Porsche 911 Turbo S
Internal thought process: “To hell with the Ballon d’Or. That thing ain’t worth shit and boasts none of the fine German engineering of this Porsche. This baby can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. Remember when I raced a Bugatti and won? Now that was award worthy, that was golden. Messi couldn’t even reach the pedals on this finely tuned piece of craftsmanship."
Idea #2: Dominate my son in a game of free kicks
What better way to spend time than to shoot some balls with my son? https://t.co/mHNdN1IBio
— Cristiano Ronaldo (@Cristiano) January 7, 2016Internal thought process: “Cristiano Jr, you are my son. Of that, there can be no doubt. Of your mother, there can be some doubt. What of my free kicks? They are the best. Yours? Appallingly weak in comparison. Can you even create a knuckle free kick? Yes, you are five, but that is no excuse. By the time I was five I had already been named after Ronald Reagan, the great president of the United States. Who are you named after? Oh, right.”
Things are looking up for Ronaldo. His maligned free kick game looks on point - Sporting de Gijón beware.
