The18 considered titling this article “The Master vs. The Apprentice,” but, knowing what an avid reader of ours he is, we feared Jose Mourinho would spectacularly lose his sh*t at even the mildest suggestion of deference towards Louis van Gaal. Neither man, however, could quibble at being labelled a Super Ego: how else are we to describe two managers who refer to themselves without the slightest hint of irony as “The Special One” and “The Best Coach in the World?”
This Sunday, they meet for the first time in the Premier League - and only the second time ever as Manchester United host Chelsea at Old Trafford. Not that this fixture has anything to do with such frivolous and abstract concepts as football clubs or league tables: this is about van Gaal and Mourinho, individual pride, professional one-upmanship and fulfilling overblown delusions of grandeur. This is a clash of two managerial big heads; everything else is tertiary.
So without further ado, we bring you Louis versus Jose, mano-a-mano in an eight round, no holds barred ego-off. The rules are simple: eight topics, one statement each, with points arbitrarily awarded to the most arrogant, self-centred and narcissistic sound bite. Gentlemen, do your worst…
Round One: Themselves
“Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one.” – Jose Mourinho
"Louis van Gaal has nothing more to learn." – Louis van Gaal
Verdict: While Mourinho’s statement launched a nickname that endures to this day, we’re disturbed by the apparent need to justify himself. No such ambiguity from van Gaal; it’s a clear win for the Dutchman.
Scoreboard: van Gaal 1 - Mourinho 0
Round Two: Sex Appeal (Theirs, Obviously)
“If they made a film of my life, I think they should get George Clooney to play me. He's a fantastic actor and my wife thinks he would be ideal.” – Mourinho
"I have the body of a God. Lederhosen suit me. But I also have a belly." – van Gaal
Verdict: While we admire the Dutchman’s singular refusal to confront reality, in one breath Mourinho compares himself to a Hollywood sex symbol (general female consensus, not The18’s personal opinion) whilst simultaneously making clear that his Wife thinks the same. Bravo, Jose, the points are yours.
Scoreboard: van Gaal 1 - Mourinho 1
Round Three: Adaptability
“I am Jose Mourinho and I don't change. I arrive with all my qualities and my defects.” – Mourinho
"I am who I am: confident, arrogant, dominant, honest, hard-working and innovative." – van Gaal
Verdict: as we’d expect, not a modicum of flexibility or compromise shown by either man. Points shared.
Scoreboard: van Gaal 2 - Mourinho 2
Round Four: Bodily Warmth
“I have a commercial relation with Armani. This scarf is their scarf. I’m not a person who is always freezing on the bench, even in small temperatures. I don’t like to wear jackets and jackets and jackets. And the scarf around my neck makes me feel warm and makes me feel comfortable so, at the same time, I’m comfortable and at the same time, Armani is happy with it.” – Mourinho
“I’m never cold. I’m hot-blooded, my wife says so too. We always sleep spooning.” – van Gaal
Verdict: I’m sorry, Jose? You wear a scarf because Giorgio Armani pays you to? Pah! Louis van Gaal doesn’t need cashmere accoutrements to stay snug; he’s got enough body heat for both him and his good lady to stay cozy. A clear win for Louis (though perhaps less so for Mrs Truus van Gaal).
Scoreboard: van Gaal 3 - Mourinho 2
Round Five: Philosophy
“We’re not entertaining? I don’t care; we win.” – Mourinho
“My philosophy is always – because I believe we must entertain the public – to have attacking play.” – van Gaal
Verdict: An undeniable win for Mourinho. Zero empathy for the paying public, total focus on results (and, by extension, his reputation).
Scoreboard: van Gaal 3 - Mourinho 3 (Hat Tricks All Around)
Round Six: Managing Expectations
“I am absolutely sure that we will be champions next season.” – Mourinho, having just moved to FC Porto (2002)
“I’ve signed a contract with the Dutch national team until 2006, so I can win the World Cup not once but twice.” – van Gaal, upon taking the Dutch job for the first time in 2000
Verdict: Balls-out expectations management from both men. However, given LvG subsequently failed to even qualify for World Cup 2002, we’re awarding the points to Jose.
Scoreboard: van Gaal 3 - Mourinho 4
Round Seven: Who Wears The Trousers?
“What position is my wife in? Eighth, at least” – Mourinho, after he was told that a survey ranked him the ninth most influential man in the world.
“It was retirement, or going to England. My wife Truus wanted me to retire, but now we’re going to England.” – van Gaal, on joining Manchester United
Verdict: Although the Dutchman’s brazen hint at old-school misogyny earns him credit, note how unfazed Mourinho is by the fact he’s considered one of the ten most influential people in the world. Points to Jose.
Scoreboard: van Gaal 3 - Mourinho 5
Round Eight: God
"He must really think I'm a great guy” – Mourinho
“I am like God. I never get ill and I am always right.” – van Gaal
Verdict: Now, in any normal situation, declaring that God thinks you’re a great guy is pretty high up there in the arrogance stakes. But van Gaal has blown his younger counterpart out of the water: he doesn’t care if God likes him or not, because Louis van Gaal is a deity in his own right. Points to the Dutchman.
Scoreboard: van Gaal 4 - Mourinho 5
The Results
So there we have it. It’s been a brutal, bloody, eight-round slug-fest and the final scores are in: By a margin of five points to four, the much coveted and unnecessarily lengthy title of Most Egotistical Football Manager To Ever Walk the Planet goes to….. Jose Mourinho.
Congratulations Jose. You've won a signed picture of yourself from yourself (which, we are 99.9% certain is already hanging on your wall):
Photo: @MourinhoFanClub | Twitter
