What do early third millennium cinema and last weekend’s Premier League action have in common? Not a great deal, to be honest, but we needed a theme, so bear with us on this one.
Downfall
We’ll level with you here: after an hour of near dominance, with Manchester United 3-1 up and cruising against newly promoted Leicester City, The18 decided to head out for a spot of lunch (chilli beef burrito, since you ask). Thank goodness we recorded the last 30 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to 5 - where 1 is shambolic and 5 is European Union levels of bumbling ineptitude - United’s collapse against Leicester, crumbling from a 3-1 lead to a 5-3 defeat, was an 11. The Foxes gleefully exposed United’s top-heavy summer transfer business for what we have long said it to be: a vanity project too focused on shirt sales than defensive substance. With Jonny Evans hobbling off on crutches and Tyler Blackett now suspended for three games following his straight red, United have one recognised centre back currently available: Chris Smalling.
On Friday, we asked whether Manchester United’s shoeing of QPR marked the start of the van Gaal era or yet another post-Ferguson flight of fancy: now we know the answer.
Superbad
We learnt last season that Brendan Rodgers doesn’t really do defending: although Liverpool finished the league in 2nd place, they had only the 8th best defensive record, shipping an average 1.3 goals per game (by contrast, champions Manchester City conceded 1.0 per game and Chelsea only 0.7).
Five fixtures into the new season and little appears to have changed. They’ve now lost three of their last four games, largely on the back of some defensive displays that would make the French armed forces blush. We don’t know what’s happened between Mamadou Sakho, Dejan Lovren and Martin Skrtel, but they clearly aren’t talking any more: Sakho’s 88th minute “defensive header” (we use the term loosely) straight into the path of the on-coming Stewart Downing summed up Liverpool’s evening.
The key difference between this season and last, of course, is the lack of potency at the other end of the pitch. Relieved of Luis Suarez’s services this summer, and without the injured Daniel Sturridge for the last two games, Liverpool are desperately lacking the goals that off-set their defensive frailties. They currently have only the 11th best goal tally in the league and the 13th best shots on target per game. Sturridge needs to find his fitness, and Balotelli his Premier League shooting boots.
Dear Frankie
Dear Super Frankie, we’re sorry we ever doubted you. Lampard showed the level of professionalism on Sunday that explains why, at 36, he’s still scoring goals in the Premier League. With a trademark late run from midfield to meet James Milner’s cross, it was like watching the Frank Lampard of 2010; or 2005; or 1997; or…. you get the idea.
Although we’ve seen asthmatic sloths celebrate goals with greater enthusiasm, at least Lampard didn’t descend into the apologetic, though it was still too much for some: on Friday, Jose Mourinho declared Chelsea’s former no. 8 “untouchable”; less than 48 hours later, however, the “love story was over." Oh Jose, you cynical old sod.
Goal!
Like ill-considered tattoos and gold-plated Ferraris, expensively acquired flops are ten-a-penny in the Premier League, and none are more likely to fail spectacularly than attackers. After all, there’s only one currency in which strikers are valued, and that’s goals. The quantity of goals scored versus transfer fee paid is both the simplest and most damning measurement of performance there is: think Fernando Torres ($4M per league goal scored), Andrei Shevchenko ($5.6M per league goal scored) or Andy Carroll ($10M per league goal scored) and you’ll soon see what we mean.
How refreshing, then, that this season’s newbie strikers have started so sparklingly for their new clubs. Diego Costa has bucked Chelsea’s long-held belief in paying enormous sums for bobbins strikers by scoring seven in his first five games (a Premier League record); Angel Di Maria has scored two in two games and racked up two assists for Man United; Danny Welbeck is off the mark for Arsenal in only his second Premier League outing for the Gunners, while Leicester City’s all-time record signing Leonardo Ulloa – a man plying his trade in England’s second tier this time last year – has racked up five strikes in as many games, including goals against Arsenal and United.
All of which rather loads the pressure on the highest profile newbie striker of them all: Radamel Falcao. The Colombian looked sharp enough on Sunday, delightfully crossing for van Persie’s header, but he’ll want to get his first goal sooner rather than later.
Stranger Than Fiction
The Stamford Bridge steamroller aside, it’s been a wonderfully unpredictable opening to the 2014-15 Premier League, full of goals, upsets and incident. A look at the league table shows that three of the teams widely fancied for relegation this season – Southampton, Aston Villa and Swansea – currently reside in the top 5, while Liverpool, Man United and Everton all languish in the bottom half of the table.
Don’t expect it to last, however. This is merely the EPL going through an early growth spurt, leaving it loose-limbed, socially awkward and covered in acne. By the time it’s emerged from adolescence – some time in December, we’d say – the usual suspects will be back dominating the top third of the table. After all, in the last 15 years, the top three finishing spots in the league have been occupied by only six different teams. Enjoy the new order while you can.
