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U-20 Player Becomes First To Take Out Corner Flag And Attempt To Stab Somebody

“Hey, I got a hockey record. I took my skate off and tried to stab somebody. I’m the only guy who ever did that.” - Happy Gilmore

A Copa Libertadores U-20 semifinal match between Uruguay’s Club Atletico River Plate and Ecuador’s Independiente del Valle did not pass without incident yesterday. No, it did not.

Independiente won the semi 3-2 to advance to the final, but the match was marred by the wildest of scenes. As far as we can tell, 20-year-old Independiente defender Angelo Preciado — an Ecuadorian youth international — riled the feathers of River Plate, triggering a Bourne Ultimatum foot chase scene involving himself and about seven River Plate players. 

What transpired next was a first on the football pitch. 

Preciado ran to the corner flag and unsheathed it like Excalibur, using the base spike to his advantage much like how the Ancient Macedonian army, under the innovative King Philip II, utilized the two-handed pike. 

Remarkably, this was obviously somewhat premeditated by Preciado. In his quieter moments, he’s clearly developed a stratagem for the methods he’d employ should shit ever truly hit the fan on the football pitch. This is something he’s planned for and now executed.

We’re very relieved that nobody got shanked, and we doubt Preciado will have a part to play in the final.

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