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Neymar's Wax Statue Might Be A Depraved, Vile Monster

When former Marine Jake Sully first entered his Na’vi-human hybrid in the 2009 sci-fi film Avatar, he couldn’t control his excitement — he delighted in his newfound athleticism while embracing the pastoral beauty of the planet Pandora. It was a scientific breakthrough, the likes of which hadn't been replicated up until yesterday. Yesterday, Neymar had his own Jake Sully moment.


However, when the Brazilian striker met his genetically engineered, albeit less animated and more waxy, look-alike, he proceeded to shove his fingers down its throat while maintaining a safe distance. Were his bastard wax child to awaken at any portion of the three minute video clip, Neymar was ready to gouge its eyes out. In fact, I believe the original Neymar wanted nothing more than this to happen. 


Not since Sam Bell found a clone of himself while working on the Moon for Lunar Industries have we seen such animosity between living doubles. Perhaps Neymar was worried about how damaging his wax clone would be to the holy trinity of Messi-Suarez-Neymar. There’s simply no room for an additional letter in the acronym 'MSN'. Would the Microsoft-owned Internet messenger be willing to add an extra 'N'? Hell no. Madame Tussauds, if that's actually even your real name, you’ve gone too far this time. 

In an act of goodwill towards the newly acquainted Neymars, here are three useful things that Clone Wax Neymar, or “Claxar” as we’ll call him, could be used for. 


#1: Representing Brazil at the Copa America

Wax Neymar at the Copa America

Claxar is incapable of this expression, only limitless joy. Photo: @NationFMKe | Twitter

The Selecao captain's absence from the Copa America hurts. With Claxar, we've found the remedy. Will Claxar be less mobile and threatening for Brazil? Sure, but he could be deployed in much the same way that Wayne Rooney is for England. He'd toil, struggle and generally lose possesion for Brazil before being knocked out after the group stage.

Plus, CONCACAF and CONMEBOL pocket way more money, and what's more important than that?

#2: Apologizing to Jordi Alba

Wax Neymar and Jordi Alba

Claxar + Jordi Alba = <3 Photo: @kazzyy007 | Twitter

Neymar reportedly told Jordi Alba to "f*** off" recently. Jordi Alba didn't even have his earmuffs on. Claxar could be used to bridge the divide between these Barcelona superstars. Just put him on Alba's couch over the summer and let the healing powers of total silence work their magic. 

#3: Managing Social Media Accounts

Wax Neymar on Social Media

Claxar has everything Neymar's 60 million followers appreciate. Photo: @tfmlovers | Twitter

You can't deny it, Claxar's got that swagger that appeals to millions of Neymar followers worldwide. Tattoos, coiffed hair and an expression that says "life is just one big f****** joke", Claxar could supplant Neymar in every photo posted to his social media accounts and the global population would be none the wiser.

Follow me on Twitter: @ConmanFleming

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