New York City, New York - The United Nations has named FIFA #1 in Ethics, beating out a number of corporations, non-profits, and governing bodies. The award comes in the midst of FIFA’s investigation into allegations of corruption regarding FIFA’s choice of World Cup Hosts for 2018 and 2022 World Cups.
Secretary-General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-moon, had this to say during the announcement: “It is an honor to name [FIFA]… #1 in Ethics, this was a very tough decision, but FIFA’s commitment to self-regulation and analysis quite simply set it apart from the competition.”
Ban added, “FIFA is in a world of its own.”
News of the announcement shocked the footballing world as it comes in the wake of FIFA’s controversial report on Michael Garcia’s report on corruption in FIFA, in which FIFA effectively cleared FIFA from any wrong doing.
Garcia was quoted on Twitter voicing his disagreement with FIFA’s interpretation of his report, which was commissioned by FIFA. Garcia stated that FIFA made “numerous materially incomplete and erroneous representations.”
The message boards of the internet have voiced their opinions concerning FIFA’s report on FIFA’s report as well. User ChrisBarWilliams of the online community Reddit posted, “I really can’t help but admire the absolutely enormous balls on FIFA to basically say ‘F*** off lads, we’re totally sound. Report? Nah, [we] read it for you mate.’”
The Yearly Ethics Survey of Management, Entities, and Non-profits - the committee gathered by the U.N. to name who would be #1 - held a different kind of admiration. The leader of YESMEN, and also coincidentally FIFA’s Independent Ethics Adjudicator, Hans-Joachim Eckert, had this so say:
“As we worked to pick the most ethical entity in the world, we thought deeply about the nature of ethics. How it encompasses the need to fight sexism and racism, how it involves holding yourself to the highest standard. It then dawned on us: what is ethics, but the practice of assuring yourself that you are doing nothing wrong?”
FIFA has been championing “Say No To Racism,” an anti-racism campaign, for years, and its willingness to put together a report on an investigation of itself concerning its own corruption was a big factor in YESMEN’s decision.
“You just don’t see that kind of introspection in governing bodies. FIFA are truly innovators in ethics,” said Eckert. “That is why we named them #1.”
Monsanto Co., last year’s #1 and the favorite for this year's award, were understandably shocked by YESMEN’s choice. A spokesmen for Monsanto issued this statement to The18: “If innovation is what YESMEN want, innovation is what they’ll get.”
The18 has been informed that this spokesmen was fired within hours of contacting The18. Monsanto declined to comment.
Avid Argentina fan and local ethics expert Pope Francis is expected to make a statement later this week concerning the naming. A source close to the pope told The18 that “[Pope Francis] has taken a massive interest in the naming of FIFA as #1 in ethics. He’s taking this worse than the World Cup Final.”
Check back in with The18 for more on Pope Francis’ statement, and for other ridiculous coverage of the FIFA debacle.
In case it wasn't blatantly obvious, this article is satire, and not to be taken seriously.