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10 Times Jose Mourinho Made You Want To Punch Him In The Face

We were going to call this article “10 Things I Hate About Mou”, but decided it suggested a degree of familiarity with teenage rom coms that no grown man should admit to. So instead, in the week that Jose Mourinho publicly belittled his medical staff for doing their job and then heavily reduced team doctor Eva Carneiro’s role within the club for acknowledging some people on Facebook, The18 brings you the Portuguese’s 10 biggest dick moves of the last decade.

Feast yourselves on Jose’s carnival of douche-baggery (if indeed that is a word). In no particular order:

1. Calling His Own Medical Staff "Sons of Bitches"

Let’s start with Jose’s most recent outburst of stupidity, shall we? With the team already down to 10 men last Saturday following Thibaut Courtois’ sending off, Eden Hazard went down with an injury and the referee ushered Chelsea’s medical staff onto the pitch to treat the felled Belgian. Wholly uncontroversial, no?

No. In what everyone assumed was just a classic piece of Mourinho misdirection, he threw a post-match tantrum over the aforementioned medical staff doing their job, purportedly for ensuring Hazard had to come off the pitch, thus wasting a few seconds and leaving Chelsea down to nine men for all of 15 seconds as they chased a winner against Swansea.

Many – your intrepid correspondent included – assumed Jose probably had a quiet word with his medical team shortly afterwards to say “sorry about that, but needs must. You know I love you really.” However, we’ve since learned that Dr. Eva Carneiro has been demoted and will no longer travel with the team on match days. Her crime? Responding to Facebook well-wishers with the below, apparently incendiary post:

“I would really like to thank the general public for their overwhelming support. Really very much appreciated.”


It's since transpired that Jose had some fairly select words for Carneiro on Saturday: video from Sky Sports shows the manager calling Eva "filho da puta", Portuguese for "son of a bitch".

2. Poking a Fellow Professional in the Eye

There’s really not much one can add to this moment of mourinho mentalness. Following an El Classico that would have made a two-year-old’s birthday party look decidedly mature and sophisticated by comparison, Jose jabbed the late Tito Vilanova, then Barca’s assistant manager, in the eye. He received a 2 game ban for his troubles (which was later lifted).

3. Calling a Respected Member of the Community a Sick Pervert

Oceans of ink could be wasted on documenting the interminable feud between Jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger, which just two weeks ago proved yet again that two grown, successful and generally well-respected men can consistently behave like rutting stags contesting a favorite teddy bear.

But while Wenger has generally given as good as he’s received during their decade-long verbal slog-fest, Mourinho landed a blow perhaps a little too below the belt back in 2005 when he, at great length, literally called Wenger a sick pervert:

“He is what in England you call a voyeur. He is someone who likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. Wenger must be one of them – it is a sickness.”


4. Putting Rafa Benitez’s Wife Back in the Kitchen

While Mourinho and current Real Madrid boss Rafael Benitez have a long history of bickering from the Spaniard’s time at Liverpool, their feud sank to depths deeper the Mariana Trench when Rafa’s wife got involved: she, admittedly erroneously, suggested her husband has been going around Europe cleaning up the mess Jose Mourinho leaves behind (Benitez has followed Jose at Inter, Chelsea and now Madrid, but only at Inter did he directly follow Mourinho).

Most people would probably let that fly, or perhaps politely correct the mistaken suggestion and move on, but not Jose. Spotting an unpassable opportunity to both reference Rafa’s rotund figure and belittle his better half at the same time, Jose told the press:

“I think she needs to occupy her time, and if she takes care of her husband's diet she will have less time to speak about me.”

Back in the kitchen, Mrs. Benitez.

5. Bullying a Referee into Retirement

Jose Mourinho’s antagonism towards Barcelona developed long before he arrived at the Santiago Bernabau. Following a 2-1 loss against the Blaugrana in the second round, first leg of the 2004-05 Champions League, a game in which Didier Drogba was sent off, Mourinho claimed referee Anders Frisk had invited then-Barca manager Frank Rijkaard into the officials’ room at half time for a chat, which is a clear breach of UEFA protocol. That, Mourinho maintained, was why Drogba received his marching orders.

While we’re sure it was an unintended consequence, Mourinho’s bare-faced accusation of cheating by Frisk led to the referee receiving a flurry of death threats from Chelsea supporters: “There have been threats on the telephone and via email and post, and my family has also been threatened.”

Frisk retired from professional refereeing just 16 days after Mourinho’s outburst.

6. Hiding in a Laundry Basket

The other consequence of Jose’s outburst against Anders Frisk and Frank Rijkaard was a European 2-game ban, precluding him from being inside the stadium. Not that bans concern Jose Mourinho. During their quarter-final clash against Bayern Munich, fitness coach Rui Faria appeared to be wearing an ear piece under a woolly hat, from which he was receiving instructions from Him Upon High. Furthermore, Jose is alleged to have smuggled himself into Stamford Bridge inside a laundry basket.

To be honest, we’re not entirely sure whether this is a dick move or a bravura performance.

7. Criticising his own Fee-Paying Fans…

Midway through last season Mourinho chided the very people that pay comfortably north of $100 per head to come and watch his team play. “At this moment it’s difficult for us to play at home though, because playing here is like playing in an empty stadium.”

It’s led to the more than occasional rendition from opposing supporters of “Mourinho’s right, your fans are shite.”

8. …Then Telling The Kop to Shut It

Well, not the Kop per se, but the tens of thousands of Liverpool fans gathered inside Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium for the 2005 Carling Cup Final. After Steven Gerrard scored an own goal to level the score in the 79th minute, the ever-gallant Mourinho paraded down the touchline shushing scousers left, right and centre with his finger to his lips. He was politely invited to leave the pitch by officials.

Jose later claimed the gesture was aimed at the media, whom he presumably thought were all dressed in Liverpool shirts.

9. Talking Shit About Ronaldo's Upbringing

As Chelsea slumped towards their first failed season under Mourinho in 2006-07, Jose had some choice words for Manchester United's 22-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo. Mourinho said his fellow Portuguese lacked "maturity and respect, maybe difficult childhood, no education. Maybe the consequence of that."

Which, admittedly, isn't the worst insult you've ever heard. Until you remember that Ronaldo was raised in a tin-roofed shack by his mother while his father battled alcoholism, and later died from kidney failure.  

10. Hacking Down Celebrities in a Charity Match

If you're fortunate, you've never heard of Olly Murs. He's a moderately talented singer who didn't win The X Factor but still managed to wangle himself a record deal. Anyway, midway through a charity match for Soccer Aid, the Portuguese stepped off the bench to cynically hack Murs to the ground.

Actually, this wasn't a dick move at all. It was awesome.

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