Error message

  • Notice: Undefined index: nid in views_handler_field_term_node_tid->pre_render() (line 98 of /var/www/html/docroot/sites/all/modules/views/modules/taxonomy/
  • Notice: Undefined index: nid in views_handler_field_term_node_tid->pre_render() (line 98 of /var/www/html/docroot/sites/all/modules/views/modules/taxonomy/


Can the USWNT win the World Cup with Danny DeVito at CB? We use FIFA 23 to find out

Heading to the 2023 FIFA Women's World Cup in Australia and New Zealand, many have pinpointed the USWNT's lack of depth at center back as a cause for concern. So to predict the outcome of this summer's main event, we've devised the sternest, most analytical variable yet: How would the USWNT fare at the World Cup with Danny DeVito at center back?

Using FIFA 23's recently released "Lead Your Country" mode for the Women's World Cup, we've recreated DeVito to the best of our ability — although the glasses are an aftereffect, you can't make anyone smaller than 5'3'' (DeVito is 4'10'') or older than 43 (he's 78).

Still, here's Danny DeVito on the USWNT.

Danny DeVito on the USWNT

Matchday #1: USWNT vs. Vietnam

Expected to be the easiest match of the group stage, shit hits the fan in the fifth-minute when DeVito places a pass out of bounds. Vietnam, with DeVito now out of position, quickly takes the throw-in and abuses the space that the American actor left vacated.

Tuyet Dung finishes to make it 1-0 to Vietnam. What the hell is going on here? 

I'm reminded of how bad I am at this game, and at halftime I learn I'm also not allowed to make any changes because technically I'm Danny DeVito.

Danny DeVito defending

Vietnam keeps isolating Danny DeVito!  

I've got to press on with this shitshow, and in the 48th-minute Rose Lavelle laces one in from 22 yards out as the country back home breathes a collective sigh of relief. This hasn't been the most memorable World Cup watch party for anyone.

But good lord is Vietnam talented. They're incredibly structured defensively, quickest to react to everything, passing with a remarkable crispness and looking faster/fitter than every USWNT player (especially Danny DeVito).

Around the 66th minute, it's time for this...

Game time

And then, in the 75th, Vietnam's Tuyet Dung bangs in another one in from 25 yards out. It's an insane strike and Vietnam holds on for the 2-1 victory. Maybe this was all a giant mistake. I'm warning the country now, be very afraid of Tuyet Dung and the USWNT's lack of depth at CB.

Look what it means to the Vietnamese!

The biggest day in Vietnam's sporting history.

Matchday #2: USWNT vs. Netherlands

After playing as the whole USWNT in the first match, I select to only play as Danny DeVito against the Dutch because I'm terrified. Danny and I can't let my country down like this; we can't be home before the postcards. Take the wheel, AI.

Danny DeVito time

Devito putting it all on the line against the Dutch.

My decision is a genius one because it takes Lavelle all of two minutes to open the scoring. The Netherlands have a few chances to equalize — DeVito's still not playing clean back there — but Alyssa Naeher keeps it at 1-0 before the U.S. really starts cooking.

Sophia Smith scores two, Alex Morgan adds one and the USWNT pounds the Dutch 4-0. Hope springs eternal for the Stars and Stripes with Danny DeVito's player performance rating showing great gains.

Matchday #3: USWNT vs. Portugal

Danny DeVito anthem

The first half can't go any better with Smith and Morgan putting the U.S. up 2-0 by the 30th minute, and in the second 45 DeVito appears to commit a handball offense in the box but replays show it's just a fantastic block by the 78-year-old's girth.

Danny DeVito block

DeVito is suddenly growing in confidence, all things are possible through Morgan/Smith/Lavelle and Vlatko Andonovski suddenly looks like a genius for selecting the man who played The Penguin in Batman Returns (1992).

Group stage table

Matchday #4 (Round of 16): USWNT vs. Italy

Alarm bells are ringing early when Italy isolates DeVito and quickly scores, and I, Danny DeVito, am screaming at Andi Sullivan for not providing me with more cover: "If I could, I'd replace you Julie Ertz!" ... but I can't. 

To make matters worse, Sullivan gets beat again and DeVito's got to take matters into his own hands with a scything tactical foul on Italy's Cristiana Girelli. It's Danny's first yellow of the tournament! 

Danny DeVito yellow card

But just when all hope is lost, Alex Morgan takes over. The striker equalizes in the first half with a solo goal and then gets two more in the second 45 for a hat trick. Also, she's celebrated all five of her goals this tournament with the tea sipping celebration, and I really hope that happens IRL.

DeVito made up for the first-half booking with a goal-saving, groin-tearing tackle late in the game.

DeVito interception

Matchday #5 (Quarterfinal): USWNT vs. Norway

Guess what happened in this one?

Alex Morgan

Yup. Alex Morgan's brace put the U.S. up 2-0 before Guro Reiten and Lindsey Horan exchanged late goals for a 3-1 scoreline. That loss to Vietnam seems ages ago.

Matchday #6 (Semifinal): USWNT vs. Spain

It's the semi against a quality opponent, but Horan scores in the 20th minute and Morgan gets another in the 28th. Suddenly there's a question over why we're doing this in the first place — what's the point? What does it even mean? Why is Danny DeVito on the USWNT at the World Cup? 

But it's at that moment — when we're just like Icarus, failing to appreciate the grind and instead flying too close to the sun — when a situation like this arises: Jennifer Hermoso is through and there's nothing Danny DeVito can do except sprint in the T-Rex running style I assigned him. 

Oh no!

It's suddenly 2-1 and that's why we do this, because nobody can let their guard down; that includes the fans, the USWNT and Danny DeVito.

Horan makes it 3-1 and the three-peat is on. 

Matchday #7 (Grand Final): USWNT vs. England

Here. We. Go. The biggest soccer match in Danny DeVito's life.

2023 Women's World Cup prediction

After 45, it's all in the balance.

WWC final halftime

But now we know who's going to win it for the USWNT: In the 87th-minute, Kelley O'Hara is played through out wide and finishes for a 3-2 final. That's what's going to happen.

Danny DeVito world champion

Danny DeVito world champion

There's one big truth in this prediction. If Alex Morgan does score nine goals in seven games then the USWNT is winning the World Cup, even if their defense and midfield are suspect.

2023 USWNT World Cup prediction

What a ride.

Videos you might like