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How To Build A Better Zlatan Robot


(At The ZlatanBot Factory)

Scientist: sir, the unit has broken down. A failure of the knee joint, apparently

Boss guy: Goddammit the warranty just expired

Other scientist: well, at least this will give us a chance to improve the unit

Zlatan: I am right here, and I can hear you. I am Zlatan, and I am already as close to perfect as can possibly exist

Scientist: well at least the hearing module still works

Other scientist: and the confidence module

Zlatan: Everything works I am Zlatan

Scientist: well, except for your knee module

Other scientist: and your Champions League module (snickers)

(Zlatan kicks out at the other scientist with his good leg and collapses)

Boss guy: fellas, it's time to get working on ZlatanBot 2.0. This one has been great, but it broke and has outlived its usefulness. We need to figure out what to include with the new model, though

Both scientists: lasers

Boss guy: anything else?

Scientist: a jetpack

Other scientist: guns

Scientist: bulletproof armor


Boss guy: I was thinking more along the lines of "a knee that doesn't buckle" not "turn this thing into Iron Man. Wait — we should definitely turn Zlatan into Iron Man.

(everyone nods, including Zlatan)

A year later, At Old Trafford

Terrified West Ham players are huddled in the visitors' dressing room. "Bar the door!" yells Slaven Bilic. "It's no use!" replies Andy Carroll. A thumping can be heard outside. Then a pounding. Then the door flies off its hinges, sending West Ham players scurrying for cover. ZlatanBot 2.0 thunders into the room.

Zlatan: new knee, new me

(shoots hole in wall)

(shoots hole in ceiling)

(jetpacks through ceiling, flies to Chelsea, steals EPL trophy, flies back to Manchester)

"Zlatan is Premier League champion now. On to Champions League"

(Cristiano Ronaldo robot breaks through the wall, making a new hole next to the one Zlatan shot)


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