MLS Rankings Of Power: Week Eight

What a major weekend from the major soccer league — we were treated to it all. Andrea Pirlo, whose salary of $5.9 million is 35% of NYCFC’s total payroll, was benched because Patrick Vieira cited the need to have a midfielder with an animated body, New England threw away a three-goal lead against Seattle in 15 minutes and the Philadelphia Union are already mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

Ronaldo Could’ve Defined The No. 10 Role If He Hadn’t Been The Best No. 9 Ever

Ronaldo is synonymous with the number 9 in football. His speed, strength and finishing ability made him the most feared striker on the planet, and his effectiveness in the role is highlighted by his 15 World Cup goals.

As devastating as he was as an individual attacker, his myriad of unbelievable solo goals after charging through defenses has somewhat buried his incredible vision and ability to turn provider using either foot.

What If Soccer Was Scored Like Tony Hawk Pro Skater?

Okay, before we get started here, put this song on. It's a jam.

Okay, now you’re in the zone.

Are you tired of that one friend who ruins soccer spectating? You know the one, the person that constantly complains about a lack of scoring and sees the low accumulation of point totals as some kind of irrefutable condemnation of the sport. Yeah, that jagoff.

10 Reasons To Get Excited About Newcastle United's Promotion

After a year away from the spotlight (unless you include Jonjo Shelvey’s ban for racially abusive language, rumors of a fallout between Rafa Benitez and the boardroom over a lack of January spending and some other stuff), Newcastle United are back in the big leagues. We know you all missed the never-ending soap opera that is Newcastle, don't pretend you didn't.

For me, August can’t come soon enough, and you should be excited too. Here are 10 reasons to be stoked over the Toon’s return to the Premier League.

MLS Rankings Of Power: Week Seven

We’re about a quarter of the way through the MLS regular season (some teams have played eight, some seven and some six, so who really knows) but can we safely say we’re a quarter of the way towards discovering the most oomph-inducing force in the majorest of major leagues? I think so, and, I’ve got to say, things are shaping up better than I ever could’ve imagined. 

Why can’t America produce a Lionel Messi? Trick question, we already have

When the World Cup or November 25 comes around (the man's birthday), there's usually one thought on my mind... Clint Mathis was probably the best player of all time. I'll show you some things.

What was there that wasn’t great about Clint Mathis? He’s from a small city in Georgia. That's cool. He was the first male soccer player in eight years to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated. What a dude. He was on the cover of Backyard Soccer 2004, and there’s no higher accolade than that s**t.

MLS Rankings Of Power: Week Six

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of the word “power” is the ability to act or produce an effect. It’s also the ability to get extra-base hits. It’s very much in that spirit that we continue on our search for which MLS stuff is most capable of turning a single into a double or most like Mark McGwire.

It Would’ve Been Great If Leicester Had Drawn Anyone But Atletico Madrid

There’s a statistic on the Leicester City vs. Atletico Madrid chalkboard that sticks out like Marc Albrighton’s foul on Antoine Griezmann. It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise given his isolation throughout the match, culminating in a 77th minute substitution, but Jamie Vardy, according to who you choose to believe, left the pitch with a pass completion percentage of 0.

MLS Rankings Of Power: Week Five

Wow, five straight weeks. Nobody thought we would make it this far. It’s our wooden anniversary, but you won’t find anybody celebrating around here — we’ve got some kinetic energy to investigate. 

It’s time to switch up the intro because, by now, you should know the drill. If you don’t, here’s the breakdown: the best team in MLS is still the Timber Joeys!, the worst team in MLS is now Sons By Name Of Ben. That’s the table. That’s who wins the ATL-ULTRAS-WATCH-UR-MOUTH Shield and who gets sent down to try and figure out where in the f**k Indy Eleven is.  

The Case For Marcus Rashford Being Afflicted With Lycanthropy (He’s A Werewolf)

Marcus Rashford has got it. That "it" is the unexplainable quality that makes you standup every time he’s on the ball. He’s going to do something or try something positive, he’s going to take on his defender and it’s going to work. But this season, it just hasn’t come off as often as it should.