Heroes, Villains And Deviants: Previewing The Latest EPL Season Of All Time

82 days have passed since we put a lid on the 2016-17 Premier League season, but now it’s time to do it all over again. We’ll be treated to the same storylines we’ve all come to know and love (Arsenal in crisis, Newcastle United on the verge of self-inflicted implosion, Manchester City spend a lot of money), but we’ve also been provided with some fresh takes to look forward to.

Just How Good Is Christian Pulisic? Let Our Pulisic-O-Meter Be Your Guide

Christian Pulisic isn’t named Lionel Messi, he doesn’t play for Real Madrid and he’s never been on the cover of FIFA, so many North American and British folk are rightly confused about just how good he really is. He’s only scored five Bundesliga goals, so he must suck, right? Not so fast, Paris Saint-Germain’s latest die-hard supporter!

Player Goal GIFs Should Be Banned, Hanged, Drawn And Quartered

Why do you like Twitter? Because it’s an easy and convenient way to get highlights? Me too. If you gave any other answer you’re part of the world’s problems, and I truly hope you realize that.

I haven’t drank enough today to tell you about how it turns its ball and chain users into snidey, single-minded devilkin that prefer one marshmallow now as opposed to two later, but no social apparatus has ever been as unabashedly forward about how shallow and stupid it is while its users argue that it’s a wonderful tool for confirmation bias.

Dani Alves Needs To Put A Quarter Up His Butt Because He Just Played Himself

During the quietest moments of the offseason, when nothing is stirring, not even Mino Raiola’s double chin, major footie outlets, without fail, turn to three sources to provide some semblance of news: #1. Diego Maradona — he’s guaranteed to have said something controversial in the last few days. #2. Sir Alex Ferguson — he’s guaranteed to have waxed lyrical on Cristiano Ronaldo or torn into Manchester United in the last few days. #3. Ronaldinho — he’s guaranteed to have done something, anything in the last few days.

MLS Rankings Of Power: Midseason Special, Broh

You probably didn’t notice, but the MLS Rankings of Power went on a long hiatus. It went off into the woods, swallowed a cocktail of hallucinogenics, found a small passage in a dense thicket and wormed its way into a little clearing in the shrubbery. There, it pondered the value of power, the capacity for channeling such robust faculties and the question of how to then present it to the people in a safe for consumption listicle format.

The MLS All-Star Game Would Have Been Much Better If Ronaldo Had Been There

The MLS All-Star Game could have been so much better. Not that it wasn't great. Well, it actually wasn't great, now that we mention it. It was mostly forgettable soccer, various Real Madrid 19-year-olds dinking around old and slow MLS All-Stars, shooting from distance and missing.

But it could have been so much better.

For one, Cristiano Ronaldo should have been there. He wasn't there, because he is so famous he takes personal pre-season publicity tours while his teammates have to share one among themselves. Cristiano's pre-season tour was in southeast Asia.

Replacing Neymar: The Barca Phenoms That Benefit From His Sale

The prospective loss of Neymar, as well as the astronomical fee Barcelona will receive for his sale, has fueled rumors of a potential domino effect in the transfer market. After receiving the giant check in the mail from Qatar (I think that’s how it works), will Barcelona turn around and hand the check to Borussia Dortmund for Ousmane Dembele or Juventus for Paulo Dybala or Liverpool for Philippe Coutinho?