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There’s Something Horribly Wrong With Bayern Utility Man Joshua Kimmich

Joshua Kimmich, like Jon Snow before him, knows nothing. Pep Guardiola’s beloved bastard son was allotted action in 23 Bundesliga matches last season, tallying zero goals. His adept displays in defensive roles for Bayern led Guardiola to claim that “he’s perhaps one of the best center backs in the world”. He was particularly inspiring against Borussia Dortmund in March as a makeshift defender in the most important league match of the season.

However, something’s gone terribly astray for Kimmich this season under the tutelage of Carlo Ancelotti. Dating back to his goal against Schalke 04 on September 9th, Kimmich has now scored seven goals in eight Bundesliga matches. That’s ridiculous and clearly points to the 5’9’’ German not knowing the slightest thing about what he’s doing.

This is a guy whose game is supposed to be about short passing, composure and defensive solidity, but here he is popping up in the box time after time to score some nice goals.

He was at it again against PSV Eindhoven in the Champions League on Wednesday. I mean, what the s***.


He’s got no business scoring from there. Here he is netting six other Bundesliga goals from all manner of angles by applying all sorts of different finishes.

It’s obvious that Kimmich has been watching a ton of highlights featuring Bastian Schweinsteiger, Philipp Lahm and Jerome Boateng, and he’s convinced himself that he’s all three rolled into one. He’s like James Milner if James Milner had the blood of Hercules coursing through his veins. 

So what is a Joshua Kimmich? Where did he come from, and will he ever stop doing goals? Will he start for Munich over the weekend or will he be placed in the asylum until he can solve this identity crisis?

A photo posted by Joshua Kimmich (@jok_32) on

We just don’t know. We don’t know what position he plays, or who is girlfriend is or how much he earns per week. Please send any tips, knowledge or information regarding this suspect fellow to

Follow me on Twitter: @ConmanFleming 

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