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England Captures Historic Victory, Neutral Fans Dread Idea Of Watching More England Games

England picked up an iconic 2-0 win against Germany in front of 40,000 fans at Wembley Stadium on Tuesday to advance to the quarterfinals.

The win was England’s first competitive victory in a knockout game against Germany since the 1966 World Cup Final.

This was also the result that every neutral fan dreaded. England deserves top marks for its defensive efforts in the tournament so far. The English defense has played four games and gone perfect with four clean sheets. But holy cow is it hard to stay awake watching the Three Lions play.

While being “boring” isn’t a numerical statistic, there’s one figure that does represent how slow England is going forward. Prior to England’s meeting with Germany, Gareth Southgate’s side had the slowest movement of moving the ball forward out of any team in the group stage.

The first 70 minutes of the game against Germany saw some quality chances sprinkled throughout the game for both sides. Timo Werner and Kai Havertz play their club games in London but couldn’t convert their chances against England. 

Huge saves from Jordan Pickford.

While I may have predicted England to defeat Germany, I prayed for the Germans to prove me wrong. For 75 minutes I thought Germany could eek out a victory. Then England’s main man of Euro 2020 crushed the hopes of Germans and neutrals everywhere.

Raheem Sterling is the first English player to score in three consecutive games for England at the Euros. 

Thomas Müller will join Kylian Mbappé on team insomniac as the German veteran squandered a massive chance to go level in the 81st minute. He'll be thinking about that one for years to come.

Harry Kane’s skull put the English nail in the German coffin in the 86th minute to send all of England into euphoria. “It’s Coming Home” will be on repeat all night in England.

It’s worth mentioning that England is getting the job done. They’re not here to have loads of flair and entertain simpletons like me. The Three Lions have a game plan – albeit boring as hell – and it’s working like a charm.

I still have the right to complain though, and I will do so in the fashion of a list.

Top 10 Things I’d Rather Watch Than Another England Game

10. Grass Grow (The classic)

9. Paint Dry (The second classic)

8. Los Angeles Traffic (Slow moving, but still not as slow as England going forward)

7. 2 Girls 1 Cup (If you don’t know what this is, please don’t look it up)

6. Somebody Working On An Excel Spreadsheet (Look at all those numbers)

5. Rubber (A real shit movie about a tire)

4. The Golf Channel (Sorry golf, I just can’t do it)

3. A Nature Documentary On The Growth Of Fungus (Shoutout “Fantastic Fungi”)

2. A Congress Session (Not like they’re going to agree on anything anyway)

1. Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi (This movie drags on for so long. I wonder if the England players watch this movie the night before games)

Don’t look now, but we might get to see a whole lot more of England in Euro 2020. England advances to play the winner of Sweden vs Ukraine. So long as the Three Lions don’t choke, they will then play the winner of Denmark vs. Czech Republic.

The last time England kept four consecutive clean sheets in a major tournament was the 1966 World Cup.

It’s coming home after all.

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