"Mario Balotelli is being lined up for a shock exit from Liverpool", says The Metro, a free newspaper that your columnist had thrust into his face by over-eager vendors every weekday morning for nine years while living - surviving - in London. While we don't think any striker being sold by a club for which he's scored just 3 goals in 18-and-a-half hours of football is much of a shock, the proposed destination and time-frame is certainly a little more breath-taking: MLS's Orlando City, this week.
So what's the basis for this balls-out transfer gossip? Do they have a quote from the man himself stating a desire to prove himself in MLS? Has his agent made kissy-kissy faces at league officials, or been seen house-hunting on the Floridian coast? No, no and no. But apparently he's very "keen on the American lifestyle".
Rock-solid transfer news.
So while we'd love to warn the residents of Orlando to lock up their daughters, fireworks and female prisons (though hopefully they're pretty secure already), the chances of this particular transfer materializing are as likely as Mario Balotelli escaping from a strait-jacket:
We think his coordination, calmness-under-fire and measured demeanor will be gracing the Premier League for a little longer yet.