Now this is a ballsy piece of transfer news if ever there was one: The Metro - perpetual purveyors of preposterous piffle - claim that Manchester United, having already bagged Memphis Depay, will swoop not only for Gareth Bale this summer, but Cristiano Ronaldo as well.
Let's start with the Welshman. Bale has suffered a deeply troubled season at the Santiago Bernabau since the heady days of last May's Champions League triumph. The man is clearly no longer enjoying his football, as was evident during last night's Champions League semi-final exit against Juventus and, indeed, after.
There's certainly plenty of fuel to stoke the flames of a "Bale to United" headline: he's never been embraced by Madridistas; the press are on his back; he doesn't speak the language and his partner and their daughter are back living in the UK. Would you stay? Throw in United's new mega-deal with Adidas - Bale's primary sponsor - and you have a solid case for speculation.
Perhaps the most encouraging development for United fans, however, are the views of Mark Ogden, journalist at the Daily Telegraph. Ogden is extremely plugged-in at Old Trafford - he broke the news in 2013 that United had agreed a contract with David Moyes - and he says Bale is Manchester bound: "If I was a betting man and I had £50 spare to put on where he [Bale] would go, I think he’d end up here this summer... I’ve just got this feeling that United want him, and they’ve got the money to do it."
So a big-money move for Bale this summer we can get our heads round. But Ronaldo too? Double hmmm.
It appears The Metro are basing their story on a three-day-old quote from one Agustin Rodriguez, throwing the word "United" and $115 million into the mix. As The18 has already reported, Rodriguez told Marca Radio "I am certain that Casillas and Cristiano Ronaldo are going to leave at the end of the season." He made no mention of Ronaldo's (or Casillas') likely destination.
Nor is Rodriguez kind enough to tell us the basis for his certainty. So instead, we'll tell you why we're certain he's talking out of his ass: Ronaldo is 17 goals from surpassing Raul as Real Madrid's all-time leading goalscorer, and won't leave until he's done so; Ronaldo's ego won't allow him to leave Madrid after a winless season; he knows he'll never be able to maintain his deep mahogony skin-tone if he returns to Lancashire, and Real would never let him and Bale leave in the same off-season.
There's no doubt United could afford to sign both Bale and Ronaldo this summer: they've just reported another quarter of record revenues and have an oil tanker's worth of Euros en route from Bavaria. But having the wherewithal to buy players and actually being afforded the opportunity to do so are two very different things. We can see Gareth Bale in the Premier League next season: he's unhappy and seemingly unwanted in Madrid. But Ronaldo? No chance.
And would you really want both of them at your club?