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Brazil Beat Haiti As Bad As Germany Beat Brazil

Remember in the 2014 World Cup when Germany played Brazil in the semifinals and thumped the hosts 7-1, so thorough a defeat that the Brazil's soccer governing body is withholding its two best players (Neymar and Thiago Silva, who, concidentally, both missed the game against Germany) from the Copa America in order to regain its dignity on home soil in the Olympics? Remember that?

That's what the Selecao's 7-1 win against Haiti Wednesday was like. You know, except in 2016 Haiti barely qualified for the Copa America and were expected to get thumped, and in 2014 Brazil were, well, Brazil.

(sound of someone angrily banging on my door and yelling in Portuguese)

OK, sorry, but there are parallels, down to the late consolation goal that isn't really a consolation, although we will allow that it was kind of cool that Haiti scored on Brazil, whereas when Oscar scored against Germany in 2014 it was just kind of sad.

(sound of machetes being sharpened)

Brazil probably feels great about this victory, though, given that they wholly underperformed in their first match, a 0-0 draw that was less inspiring than Chris Farley's SNL motivational talk.

(sound of a shotgun being cocked)

This win likely sets up a quarterfinal match against the USA, which, if Brazil were to lose, would be super embarassing for the people of Brazil and downright terrifying for the players.

(sound of my door being broken down by an angry mob)

Not to mention those of us who would have to write about it.

Contact The18 Staff Writer Sam Klomhaus at or follow him on Twitter @SamKlomhaus

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