Betting legally can make the mundane seem not so mundane, and not so mundane seem like you just consumed two red bulls and a shot of espresso. It’s fun, and exciting, and heart pounding. Until someone loses $500,000, at least. In that case it’s just heart-pounding. But it’s a risk any bettor knowingly takes, so I’ll spare the lecture.
What I really want to talk about is a certain type of betting — in-game betting. You know, will so and so stub his toe on a lego in the 56th minute, stuff like that. It’s illegal in the States, but in England and Europe that’s actually how the majority of betting is done.
Up until a week or so ago, I was admittedly oblivious to this. But now I know, and now I want in on the action. And what better way to get my first taste than with this Sunday’s Premier League clash between Arsenal and Chelsea. Nevermind Chelsea’s position in the table, it’s sure to be fun and exciting. Or at least heart pounding. After all, I do have 15 bets on the line.
(It’s nothing to worry about, guys. Just a few harmless bets worth nothing more than a good laugh and probably $500,000.)
Coin toss: John Terry coyly slips his business card into the shirt pocket of the referee. It’s rumored to be the number of a private checking account with boatloads of cash, but really it’s a recommendation to a great florist.
3rd minute: Branislav Ivanovic boots one into the 7th row where a guy in a fedora catches it in one hand while holding his toddler in the other.
7th minute: Diego Costa leaves the pitch to grab a slushie from the concession stands.
12th minute: The elderly lady who invaded the Greek youth match from the other day invades the pitch again. This time she does so with homemade muffins in hand. They are intended for Arsene Wenger. She thought it could help him relax.
13th minute: Wenger takes a bite of a muffin--his face briefly resembles something of a pleasant disposition.
13th minute: Per Mertesacker needlessly gives away possession. Wenger drop kicks the muffin into the stands.
26th minute: Olivier Giroud’s hair looks like it’s out of place, but wait, it’s just a poor camera angle. His hair is still amazing.
41st minute: Theo Walcott and Cesar Azpilicueta walk off the field to the warm up area (they’ve been arguing about something all game long). They both stretch a little before lining up behind a cone. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain waves his warmup penny and the two take off in a 100m sprint. It’s a tie. They shake hands and return to the field with a deeper respect for one another.
53rd minute: Eden Hazard does something amazing then does something less amazing. The camera cuts to Roman Abramovich’s box to see him throw a hot dog at the window.
56th minute: Gary Cahill stubs his toe on a lego.
65th minute: Alexis Sanchez is subbed off after running precisely a marathon.
78th minute: Mathieu Flamini cramps up. Mesut Ozil passes him some water, earning yet another assist.
81st minute: Cesc Fabregas’ jersey gets ripped. The act unveils his undershirt, which is an old Arsenal jersey. He’ll look longingly over to the Arsenal sideline and lock eyes with Wenger. The two share a moment and realize what could have been as tears well up in their eyes. It’s probably just dust, though.
90th minute: Arsenal draw a penalty. Petr Cech takes it and chips it down the middle passed a helpless Thibaut Courtois, giving the Gunners a 1-0 victory as the curse of Petr Cech lives on in Chelsea infamy.
90th minute: Roman Abromavich throws a soda at the window.