The ghost of Sergio Ramos climbed the podium at the Millennium Stadium and provided one of the greatest feel good stories of 2017 by somehow lifting the UEFA Champions League trophy despite being a completely immaterial spirit.
In one of the most tragic and horrific incidents in Champions League history - although justice was properly and promptly administered by German referee Felix Brych - the Real Madrid captain passed into the afterlife before our very eyes after Juan Cuadrado’s HORROR TAP combusted his back, legs and face.
With Juventus desperately seeking a second goal, Cuadrado committed a disgraceful and selfish act that will probably create a lost generation of deprived and drug addicted children who had the misfortune of seeing this smut broadcast live on national television.
We all thought that the angle of the original replays hadn’t captured Cuadrado stomping on Ramos with a concealed knife in his boot, but he ultimately hadn’t done that. It was just his brutal spinal tap that decimated Ramos, and his simultaneous apology for touching him must’ve exploded the Spaniard’s head. At this point, we can only speculate.
NSFW, NC-17, PLEASE CHECK THIS BOX TO CERTIFY YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO WITNESS SHOCKING HORROR
Sergio Ramos you are an absolute disgrace. Shameful pic.twitter.com/AduhyOdBb9— EmanDaGoon (@EmanDaGoonn) June 3, 2017
It then appeared as though Ramos completed the match with absolutely zero problems, but paranormal investigators confirmed it only looked that way because it was now actually the fully fit ghost of Sergio Ramos on the pitch — in a final, that’s all you really need to stop Gonzalo Higuain. Just show him his own shadow and he’ll shit his pants.
In other news, officials also confirmed that the implementation of VAR would’ve seen Ramos sent off with a second yellow card for simulation.