We’ve never understood power rankings, especially when you can just look at the standings for an official, unarguable list of who’s the best (Portland) and who’s the worst (Minnesota, my God!). So, with a desire to not do something so unnecessary and redundant, but rather create a new list that makes very little sense, we present: The MLS Rankings of Power.
Every week, we’ll update this monstrosity in the hope of finding the most powerful person, place or thing in the most major of major soccer leagues. Let us continue.
Dropping from the top 10: Christian “Superman” Ramirez, Clint Dempsey, SlowMo and Alphonso Davies
Orlando City had the week off so that Kaka could rest his hamstring twang, but THE WALL has suffered in our Power Rankings because of it. Orlando will be at home against Philadelphia next Saturday, so we’ll see if all those flags and smoke bombs can upset the Union like they did NYCFC.
With one eye on Wednesday’s CONCACAF Champions League semifinal against Pachuca, Kellyn Acosta started the FC Dallas vs. Sporting Kansas City match on the bench. He came on in the second half, landing two shots on target and drawing two fouls, but Dallas couldn’t find the breakthrough.
If he puts in a good performance against Pachuca, and he will, he’s climbing right back up this sucker.
Sporting Kansas City manager Peter Vermes made our list last week after utilizing no substitutions in KC’s 0-0 draw with DC United. This week, he made one substitution in the 67th minute of their 0-0 draw against a FC Dallas second string. Tactical mastermind.
Portland defeated Los Angeles after an early goal from Diego Chara was protected by Jelle Van Damme getting sent off for the Galaxy after collecting two yellow cards in the space three minutes. In neither of the tackles did Van Damme actually make contact with the Timbers players.
— Total MLS (@TotalMLS) March 12, 2017
Mark Geiger didn’t issue any red cards during Philadelphia’s 2-2 draw with Toronto FC, but he did handout three yellows and whistle for 38 fouls, the most in the league. He also awarded two penalties, so another powerful showing from America’s Greatest Sir.
— Total MLS (@TotalMLS) March 11, 2017
The San Jose Earthquakes made it six points from their opening two matches after once again utilizing the home field advantage of Avaya Stadium, Jurgen Klinsmann’s favorite “goal-hungry” striker Chris Wondolowski and a thunderous strike from Anibal Godoy, the sneaks.
— Front Page Football (@FrontPgFootball) March 12, 2017
Colorado lost 1-0, but they only move down one slot because: A.) Tim Howard returned and did Tim Howard things. B.) The Colorado Rapids defense scored on themselves! The other team is still yet to score on these gritty Rapids.
Tim Howard still pulling off big saves...pic.twitter.com/WClRCoe7Ak
— 101 Great Goals (@101greatgoals) March 12, 2017
Atlanta United got back on track to defeating Real Madrid at the 2018 FIFA Club World Cup with Paraguayan Miguel Almiron and Venezuelan Josef Martinez absolutely thrashing a team of Scandinavians in a snow storm in the coldest game in MLS history. Of course, this was done away from home, once again proving that they probably just have too many fans at home and they get the butterflies in their tummies. It’s just a theory so far, but it's gaining powerful momentum.
Miguel Almiron (23) was linked with Arsenal in the summer before moving to MLS.
He scored these 2 sizzlers to open his account for Atlanta. pic.twitter.com/ysdb5YhapH
— Scouted Football (@ScoutedFtbl) March 13, 2017
David Villa has still got it pic.twitter.com/4ntXaEn85j
— 101 Great Goals (@101greatgoals) March 13, 2017
Two goals, one assist for the 2016 MLS MVP as NYCFC thrashed DC United 4-0. Meanwhile, his competition for the 2017 MVP award, Sebastian Giovinco, was being introduced to The Gooch.
— Total MLS (@TotalMLS) March 11, 2017
30-year-old defensive journeyman Vadim Demidov was signed by Minnesota United back in January and the Norwegian was handed the captain’s armband at the heart of Minnesota’s defense. No player ever, in the history of the league has made a more powerful impact than Demidov.
After getting punished by Portland Timbers forward Fanendo Adi and surrendering five goals, Demidov and United gave up six goals to fellow expansion side Atlanta at home. This man's powerful influence makes him the latest No. 1 in our rankings.
— Paul Carr (@PCarrESPN) March 12, 2017