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MLS Rankings Of Power: Week One

We've never understood Power Rankings, especially when you can just look at the standings for an official, unarguable list of who's the best and who's the worst. So, with a desire to not do something so unnecessary and redundant, but rather create a new list that makes very little sense, we present: The MLS Rankings of Power.

Every week, we'll update this monstrosity in the hope of finding the most powerful person, place or thing in the most major of major soccer leagues. Let us begin.

Christian "Superman" Ramirez

The question: can Christian Ramirez, the two-time NASL Golden Boot winner and focal point of Minnesota’s attack in the second division, make the jump to MLS? After starting on the bench in Friday night’s match against Portland, Ramirez came on in the 69th minute and notched Minnesota’s first MLS goal only ten minutes later.

But Ramirez could not score five more to lift Minnesota over Portland, so he starts out at the bottom of our rankings.

Peter Vermes
Peter Vermes

Peter Vermes talks about his tough tactical decisions in the match against DC United.

@fanly_sporting | Twitter

Sporting Kansas City manager Peter Vermes made the ultimate power move on Saturday by telling his entire bench to f**k off. He made absolutely zero substitutions against DC United in a match that finished 0-0. Future USMNT manager? We sure hope so.

How Many Fans Is Too Many Fans, Atlanta?
Atlanta United

Atlanta United opened the scoring but ultimately lost to RBNY.

@ESPNFC | Twitter

The pressure is on Atlanta United to not suck after everyone predicted they would defeat Real Madrid at the 2018 FIFA Club World Cup Final. Their inagural match drew a sellout crowd of over 55,000 and over 375,000 tuned in on FS1 to watch them lose to New York Red Bulls. 

The guttural noise that accompanied their first goal was unlike anything else in the American sporting landscape. But, as Atlanta hip hop duo OutKast would say, do they need to hush that fuss and play behind closed doors? Just an idea, you know. Too much pressure there...I'm just a really envious Minnesota United supporter.

SlowMo and Alphonso Davies

Is it going to be hard for this entry to stay on our MLS List of Power? Yes. But there was still a very strong showing from SlowMo technology and Alphonso Davies in week one. Wouldn't it be great if Davies and Orlando's Cyle Larin fired Canada to their first World Cup since 1986? Especially so since it would be Canada at the 2022 World Cup in the sweltering heat of Qatar?

Sneaky, Sneaky San Jose

These boys are going to sneak up on some people this year. Head coach Dominic Kinnear? Sneaky. 2014 World Cup legend Chris Wondolowski? Sneaky asf. Avaya Stadium advantage? Very sneaky.

Mark Geiger

The closest thing MLS has to a referee of Mike Dean or Mark Clattenburg standing, Geiger was powerful in week one, whistling for 28 fouls and handing out three yellow cards and one red card.

Clint Dempsey

Clint is back and he's better than ever and he's going to lead us to the World Cup. Very powerful display from Deuce. 

The Colorado Rapids' Suffocating Defense
Pablo Mastroeni

Either Pablo Mastroeni or a guy looking to tie you to some train tracks.

@token_salad | Twitter

The most miserly defense of 2016, allowing only 32 goals in 34 games, was back at it opening weekend, keeping a clean sheet against New England with Zac MacMath deputizing for the injured Tim Howard. Once again, the attack did just enough to seal a 1-0 victory, scoring off a set piece in the 52nd minute. It's gonna be gutsy out in Commerce City, Colorado.

Commerce City

The people of Commerce City are excited for some gritty footie. Photo: Wikipedia Commons

Kellyn Acosta

FC Dallas are the best team in MLS, and Kellyn Acosta is going to be the best player. You will not stop hearing this from me.

After guiding Dallas to the CONCACAF Champions League semifinals, Acosta scored in the opener to defeat LA Galaxy in California.


The Orlando City Stadium is a gorgeous thing, and their standing room only section is a gift from the gods. Kaka’s injury put a slight damper on the proceedings, but Orlando are a safe bet to make their first playoff appearance this year.

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