Outrageous

Chelsea picked up a vital three points in the Champions League with a 3-0 victory on Wednesday courtesy of Rennes defender Dalbert living his worst nightmare despite Halloween being four days ago.

The Brazilian left back will be in desperate need of extra emotional support and could definitely use a hug after playing the worst 40 minutes of his career. Dalbert’s nightmare on Stamford Street began in the 10th minute when he tripped up Timo Werner in the penalty area. The Rennes defender was shown a yellow card and could only watch as the German striker buried the penalty kick.

Didn’t sleep well Tuesday night? Same here. Let’s bless those baggy eyes with some top notch goals scored recently that will open your eyes a little wider. 

I’m sure you’ve seen the latest Champions League highlights, but I bet you haven’t seen these great five goals from other areas of the world.

Less chit-chat, more goals; here we go.

I would be willing to bet my life’s savings that Red Bull Salzburg won’t win this season’s Champions League. I’d go as far as to wager a dollar to every person that reads this that Jesse Marsch’s side won’t advance to the Round of 16. Please contact me with your Venmo information if Salzburg surprises me.

The frank reality is that Atlético Madrid and Bayern Munich possess far superior weaponry in every position. The most commonly seen strategy to try to beat Europe’s goliaths for the Davids of the continent is to park the bus and pray for a counterattack. 

Don’t let Gareth Bale scoring Tottenham’s game-winning goal against Brighton on Sunday distract you from Harry Kane and Son Heung-min’s abysmal flopping performance. In the span of ten seconds, the world was treated to two pathetic Kane and Son flops.

The Europa League was made for Halloween and you can’t convince me otherwise. It’s a second-rate competition, just like Halloween is a second-rate holiday. Weird shit happens all the time and both events are beloved for celebrating counterculture. Hell, even the Europa League colors are Halloween-themed: orange and black.

On Thursday, the Europa League match day closest to Halloween, the spookies were on full display as AC Milan hosted Sparta Prague.

Every now and then there is an event in the world of soccer that seems so unbelievable it turns the game on its head.

On Saturday, one such incident, an event unforeseen and unprecedented in the annals of modern technology, occurred in the historic town of Inverness in the distant Scottish Highlands.

In the aftermath of Thierry Henry’s disastrously short reign at Monaco, stories began to leak of the treatment the legendary striker had subjected his players to. There’s something to be said about the effectiveness of tough love, but Monaco’s squad eventually stopped responding positively to Henry’s barbs and jabs.

I take back every nice thing I said about CBS’s coverage of the Champions League. CBS All Access is still an utter mess and it’s clear the broadcasting giant doesn’t give any fucks about us soccer fans.