Opinion

Dani Alves Needs To Put A Quarter Up His Butt Because He Just Played Himself

During the quietest moments of the offseason, when nothing is stirring, not even Mino Raiola’s double chin, major footie outlets, without fail, turn to three sources to provide some semblance of news: #1. Diego Maradona — he’s guaranteed to have said something controversial in the last few days. #2. Sir Alex Ferguson — he’s guaranteed to have waxed lyrical on Cristiano Ronaldo or torn into Manchester United in the last few days. #3. Ronaldinho — he’s guaranteed to have done something, anything in the last few days.

MLS Rankings Of Power: Midseason Special, Broh

You probably didn’t notice, but the MLS Rankings of Power went on a long hiatus. It went off into the woods, swallowed a cocktail of hallucinogenics, found a small passage in a dense thicket and wormed its way into a little clearing in the shrubbery. There, it pondered the value of power, the capacity for channeling such robust faculties and the question of how to then present it to the people in a safe for consumption listicle format.

The MLS All-Star Game Would Have Been Much Better If Ronaldo Had Been There

The MLS All-Star Game could have been so much better. Not that it wasn't great. Well, it actually wasn't great, now that we mention it. It was mostly forgettable soccer, various Real Madrid 19-year-olds dinking around old and slow MLS All-Stars, shooting from distance and missing.

But it could have been so much better.

For one, Cristiano Ronaldo should have been there. He wasn't there, because he is so famous he takes personal pre-season publicity tours while his teammates have to share one among themselves. Cristiano's pre-season tour was in southeast Asia.

Replacing Neymar: The Barca Phenoms That Benefit From His Sale

The prospective loss of Neymar, as well as the astronomical fee Barcelona will receive for his sale, has fueled rumors of a potential domino effect in the transfer market. After receiving the giant check in the mail from Qatar (I think that’s how it works), will Barcelona turn around and hand the check to Borussia Dortmund for Ousmane Dembele or Juventus for Paulo Dybala or Liverpool for Philippe Coutinho?

11 Of The Biggest Underdogs For The New European Season

With the start of the 2017-18 European season only days away, we take a look at all three promoted clubs in Europe's top four divisions (EPL, La Liga, Serie A and Bundesliga).

Premier League

Newcastle United

The 10 Most Unexpected Football Transfers Of All-Time

Football is a reflection of our daily life — we frequently encounter things that can be shocking and absurd. As the summer transfer window reaches new heights and top European clubs buy and sell players for astronomical sums, here are some of the most shocking transfer window stories ever.

Transfer Season Is Making Journalists Forget How To Use English

The summer transfer market — the silly season — is infuriating. Sorry, I love soccer, but I’ve just about had it with coverage of these transfers. 

If I have to see one more headline like this, I’m going to kick a soccer ball through my (neighbor’s) computer. 

No one agrees

I Like Landon Donovan, But I Can’t Hear Landon Donovan

When the United States began their Gold Cup campaign last Saturday I was in a bar. I was there to watch this game, but somewhere around the 30th minute I started to drift. I was like a pass from the American midfield — serenely floating here and there without any purpose or sense of direction.

Dom Dwyer’s opening goal sent the bartender on a rambling ode to Sydney Leroux that lasted until tonight’s match against Nicaragua, a week-long sonnet on unrealized love. 

Whose B Team Is Better: The USA Or Mexico?

The Gold Cup is under way and the two goliaths of North American soccer have seen action: Mexico kicked off their tournament with a 3-1 win over El Salvador and play Jamaica tonight. The United States floundered against Panama on Saturday, taking just a point from the match, and then floundered against Martinique on Wednesday night, albeit winning 3-2.

The two have impressive records at the Cup. Mexico has 7 titles, the U.S. has 5.

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