Men

Before today, Cristiano Ronaldo had 77 goals in the Champions League. Lionel Messi had 77 goals in the Champions League.

Now, Cristiano Ronaldo has 80 goals in the Champions League after converting a second-half hat trick that saw the Portuguese winger bury two penalties against Shakhtar Donetsk, and finish the whole thing off with a header off a rebound.

Messi still has 77 goals, but he doesn't play until tomorrow. Until then we will be giddy with anticipation, because Messi is no stranger to hat tricks himself.

Why a 21-year-old from France just might be the most American player on the planet.

We all know that being voted homecoming king or queen is just a lame high school popularity contest with no implications for one’s future (say nerds like me). So which footballers in 2015 deserve a crown and the first slow dance?

Colombian James Rodriguez has nearly doubled his value in the transfer market since joining Real Madrid. Rodriguez has done this despite not having won La Liga, the Copa del Rey or the Champions League, and despite spending time away from the field due to injuries (he suffered a thigh tear with Colombia during the most recent international break and is expected to be out for several weeks).

Rodriguez’s career at Real Madrid so far seems to be all about numbers, so here are the 20 numbers we would use to explain how it’s gone so far for the young attacking mid.

F.C. Porto continues to shine in the Primeira Division, with El Tri players leading the way. The Portuguese giant has a strong core of Mexican players playing at the club and one of their new additions left a mark for the club in his first match. Jesus “Tecatito” Corona inspired The Dragoes to a win against Arouca at Estadio Municipal Saturday.

Now in his second season at Manchester United Louis Van Gaal has wasted no time in doing what he has become legendary for: pissing everybody off.

Ex and current players alike are coming out of the woodwork. Even players who have never had Van Gaal as a manager hate Louis Van Gaal.

Zlatan doesn’t see eye to eye with Van Gaal, but then again the only person Zlatan really sees eye to eye with is Zlatan.

Steven Gerrard would like for you to stay in school, because you probably won't make it as a professional footballer. 

Cristiano has released a fragrance. This is a surprising thing only because this is the first time Cristiano Ronaldo has released a fragrance. 

We were shocked when we found this out. We figured Cristiano releases fragrances with the same frequency that some of us release bowel movements after we have eaten Taco Bell.

Cristiano's fragrance is called "Legacy," and we have no idea why. We guess it's one of those fragrance names engineered by marketers that's meant to sound kind of cool but ultimately means nothing.

Real Madrid certainly have a high opinion of Ronaldo. Which begs the question, how much is Cristiano Ronaldo worth to them?

Before we get into that, it's also worth asking why wouldn't Real Madrid assign a high value to Ronaldo? He's either the best or second-best footballer and one of the most marketabe athletes in the world. His jerseys fly off the shelves. He's the player people come to see when the come to see Real Madrid.

Paris Saint-Germain know this about Cristiano Ronaldo, and have in the past declared their intentions to buy him from Real Madrid.

Bicycle kicks are good and also Eden Hazard is good. With that being said, the winner of this video is the person who added the music after Hazard hammered an overhead in Belgium training:

Pass. Bike. Score. Dance. I couldn’t ask for more out of a video.