Guys, I have to confess. I’m at a loss for words… With football coming to a halt due to the coronavirus pandemic, I don’t have anything to be bitter about.
Naw I’m just fuckin’ with ya. I’m mad as hell ‘cause I can’t get my football fix!
Like any good Englishman, I love my football. I live for the weekend when I devour every bit of Premier League with little regard to my personal wellbeing. A healthy dose of other leagues around the globe helps wash down those particularly devastating Everton defeats.
But now with football on hiatus because of COVID-19, I’ve got naught but a damn thing to watch on Saturdays and Sundays.
The pandemic has forced all sports to grind to a halt, so I can’t even watch Major League Soccer or that weird hobby you Americans call baseball. I’ve become so sports-starved I may actually figure out what this TikTok thing is on the off chance there might be some football to watch. I’m that desperate.
Honestly, what am I supposed to do on weekends now, spend time with my family? Get the fuck outta here. What I wouldn’t give right now for football to return. And I mean it. My kids better watch out before I sacrifice them to the footballing gods so I can watch my Toffees again. At least then they’d stop bugging me.
The coronavirus can kiss my smelly English ass — and yes it smells, because I ran out of toilet paper a week ago and I’ve been using old Liverpool jerseys instead.
Now look, I completely understand why there’s no football. Human lives are at stake and we must stay at home to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Healthcare workers and those most vulnerable need to be aided in every way possible and we all must do our part —that doesn’t mean we have to be happy about it.
But hey, at least it’s keeping Liverpool from winning the bloody Premier League!
