For the last three weeks, Stuart Holden traipsed across Russia to bring the Confederations Cup into the living rooms of Americans.
Through astute observation and commentary not seen in Russia since Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Stu gave his Twitter followers a glimpse into life in the world’s largest nation.
Holden traveled all across the country in his role as color commentator alongside John Strong for that network that isn’t ESPN. I forget it’s name. Box, or something.
He called eight matches in 16 days and — remarkably — didn’t look any worse for the wear by the final.
Strong, meanwhile, looked a completely broken man following his time in Russia.
Stu and John on the first day. Photo: @stuholden | Twitter
Stu and John on the final day. Photo: @stuholden | Twitter
Holden arrived in Russia and quite literally hit the ground running, taking off on a run through vacant city streets.
.@stuholden and the crew are off and running in Russia. Literally.
— FOX Sports: PROcast (@PROcast) June 14, 2017
Before the tournament began, he had time to provide this incredibly insightful history of some church behind his head.
What does @StuHolden do on his day off?
Go sight seeing of course. #ConfedCup pic.twitter.com/UuctBY5qdz— FOX Sports: PROcast (@PROcast) June 15, 2017
Eventually, there was soccer to be played and matches to be called.
Holden impressed former USMNT teammate and on-again-off-again co-commentator Landon Donovan, though not everyone was as convinced.
Impressive how quickly @stuholden has become the best color analyst in soccer broadcasting in the US. It's an honor to work alongside him
— Landon Donovan (@landondonovan) July 2, 2017
Donovan and Holden linked up for the most epic goal in U.S. history back in 2010, when Landon Donovan scored the late game-winner against Algeria in the World Cup and Holden was the first to join him at the corner flag to celebrate.
While in Russia, Holden celebrated the seven-year anniversary of the goal with a tweet, though he’s probably changed the story to how he was the one who set up the goal. We live in an age where facts don’t matter, so Stu isn’t going to let that get in the way of a good story, regardless of whether he even made it out of his warmups that day.
7 years today @landondonovan ... #NeverForget pic.twitter.com/g0nBahZHWX
— Stuart Holden (@stuholden) June 23, 2017
In addition to impressing America's former golden boy, Holden’s work garnered attention for a possible big-money transfer abroad, but the paparazzi caught him and interest has reportedly cooled.
Billy Big Shoes over here @stuholden charmed his way into an interview with Chinese TV about the game tomorrow #ConfedCup pic.twitter.com/WbtiXkH7OD
— John Strong (@JohnStrong) June 20, 2017
Holden remains unequivocably American — at least for someone born in Scotland — as he then posed this quintessential American question to his followers.
Our @kate_abdo going full Beyoncé on @FOXTV today - who wore it better? pic.twitter.com/dzeZz6T2DJ
— Stuart Holden (@stuholden) June 25, 2017
A lot of white people who love soccer responded unsurprisingly with Kate Abdo. Beyoncé could not be reached for comment.
The highlight of the trip came on June 22.
Holden, who grew up in Texas, was convinced to try horse meat by a Russian collegue.
I was just convinced by @komandnaya to eat Horse meat here in Russia. It's called 'Конина' and it tasted like beef Jerkey. #ConfedCup
— Stuart Holden (@stuholden) June 22, 2017
Yum. Though Holden lost his Texas card for spelling jerky with an extra e.
When all was said and done, Holden flew 6,458 miles in 16 days, providing the insight only a World Cup reserve player can provide.
In years to come, these tweets will replace Anton Chekov as required Russian reading.
Youngsters won't read about the Brothers Kamarazov or Anna Karenina, but of Holden and his horse meat.
Leo Tolstoy's War And Peace will be replaced by 140 characters.
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