Who the f*ck are Manchester United?
This is not a dig. This is not the “Who the f*ck are Man United” sung derisively by United’s opponents. I really want to know who they are. This team has no identity. I ask again: who the f*ck are Manchester United?
Manchester f'ing United is who, but they haven’t been acting like it recently. Is van Gaal not van Gaal-ing enough to get this team to play well? Maybe he needs to pull out his balls again.
If the Premier League is like a playground, Manchester United is the bully.
Manchester United hit puberty early. Manchester United is a head taller and 30 pounds heavier than everybody else in his grade. Manchester United is shaving in the sixth grade. Manchester United smokes American Spirits and drinks 40s while the other kids take turns on the slide. Manchester United stomps around the playground menacing the other kids, taking their lunch money and giving them atomic wedgies and purple nurples.
Even the teachers are afraid to cross Manchester United. Not worth the hassle. Not worth all the paperwork the teachers have to fill out after Manchester United puts his cigarette out in his 40, smashes the bottle on the ground and takes a swing at them. Better to just leave Manchester United in peace.
Manchester United drives around in an old IROC-Z28 Camaro that he stole from his uncle, who hasn’t come over to ask for it back yet. Manchester United has a girlfriend who’s in high school. He tells the other kids on the playground how we hooks up with her all the time. The other kids aren’t entirely sure what this means, but they know it’s dirty.
Unfortunately for Manchester United, the Premier League playground has reached the tipping point, in which the bullied kids’ dads told them to fight back or Manchester United will ruin their lives.
“Gotta be a man, son,” their dads said.
Swansea City fought back first.
Manchester United demanded Swansea’s lunch money “or else” and Swansea City told Manchester United to go f' himself then slugged him in the jaw. Manchester United staggered back, shocked, while Swansea City went and got his lunch and then ate it in the cafeteria in peace.
Sunderland was next.
Manchester United got a hold of Sunderland, but Sunderland kicked him in the shin and ran away. Burnley did the same thing the next week.
Manchester United regained his mojo by beating up Queens Park Rangers and giving him a wedgie behind the dumpster.
A week later, when Manchester United tried to do the same thing to Leicester City, Leicester spat in his face and punched him in the gut and went back to the slide while Manchester United stared at the ground in bewilderment over what had just happened.
So who the f*ck are Man United?
What’s wrong with them? Is the Ronaldo thing distracting them? Is their back line just too awful? Is the writing on the wall for Wayne Rooney? What the hell is happening here? This team hasn’t been itself since Sir Alex Ferguson rode off into the sunset. One thing we are starting to realize is that last season wasn’t Moyes’s fault.
Ferguson is a tough act to follow, and the lunatic, grandiose genius that is Louis van Gaal might not be enough to repair the hole left by Ferguson’s departure.
For Manchester United fans expecting Christiano Ronaldo to ride in and save the day like Gandalf with the Rohirrim at Helm’s Deep in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: slow down. It’s complicated. United is already loaded with attacking talent. The likes of Rooney, Falcao, Mata, Di Maria and Van Persie should be more than adequate to provide the requisite attacking. Goals are not the issue here. At least, scoring them isn’t.
Preventing them is another story. The main concern for this team is at the back and in the midfield, the portion of the team that looked the weakest coming into the season, looks weak now and, conveniently, was not really improved at all during the transfer deadline.
They brought in Luke Shaw, who is 19 and has yet to make an appearance for United. He’s due to make his debut on Saturday against West Ham. Also, they signed Ander Herrera. Herrera has been pretty good on offense, but again that is not the part of the team that we are worried about here. He doesn’t fit the mold of the gritty defensive center mid that Manchester United desperately need.
Marcos Rojo was part of a pretty good Argentine defense in the World Cup, but his experience playing with top-flight attacking talent pretty much consists of passing to Messi on the Argentine national team.
He’s been playing left back — his natural position — for United and hasn’t really impressed. He figures to move to center back when Luke Shaw comes into the lineup, but there are concerns about how effective Rojo will be in the center (not as effective as on the left seems to be the consensus).
So, there are far more questions than answers for this team right now. The whole has not equaled the sum of the superstar parts. Something is missing: that all-important and ambiguous “x-factor.”
Van Gaal usually has all the answers, or at least proclaims to, but he seems just as vexed as everybody else.
The situation can be best summed up by Saturday Night Live's Weekend update financial expert, Oscar Rogers, who has perhaps the best advice for van Gaal.
At least United’s NYSE stock went up this week.
