Hey there! So you’re about to play in a soccer game against Lionel Messi? Too bad for you. This means you will likely embarrassed and will from this day forth be forced to wear a paper bag on your head to hide your shame.
Fortunately for you, we at The18 are here to help make sure you don’t end up like Jerome Boateng.
Here are 25 surefire ways to stop Messi, guaranteed to work unless they don’t.
1. Poison him
Just, like, a little bit of poison. Nothing lethal, but enough that he’s unfit to play.
2. Tie his shoes together
Create a distraction and then tie his shoes together. It’ll be awful embarrassing when he goes to run and then falls down!
3. Say “look over there!” and point into the stands
This move is especially effective if there is something in the stands for him to look at.
4. Use a laser pointer, in hopes that he has other cat-like traits besides quickness
He won’t be able to score any goals if he’s chasing a laser pointer around, provided the laser pointer is not pointed at the goal.
5. Tell him a funny joke so he doesn’t notice his team has the ball
We bet Messi loves jokes! Who doesn’t love jokes? If your joke is funny enough, maybe he’ll forget about soccer for a little while.
6. Bribe him
Messi is rich, so it would take a lot of money. But every man has his price, assuming Messi is actually a man and not some half-god thing like Hercules.
7. Ask him very politely not to score on you
This is how Germany won the World Cup.
8. Insert a fake ball into the game and make sure Messi uses that
He’ll be too busy scoring fake goals to notice.
9. Tell him it’s opposite day and all his goals count for your team
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, really.
10. Tell him the pitch is lava
Wild horses couldn’t drag Messi onto the pitch if he think’s it’s made of lava.
11. Pretend the game hasn’t started yet
When the ref starts the game, the players on your team just keep stretching and warming up. Messi will be totally confused and will probably go back to the locker room.
12. Tell him the game starts the day after it actually takes place
Messi will be so embarrassed when he shows up to the stadium and the people there tell him the game was yesterday.
13. Kidnap him
Only until the match is over.
14. The Nigerian prince scam
Tell him a wealthy Nigerian prince is willing to give Messi his whole fortune and all Messi has to do is wire the prince $500 but he has to do it right now or he won’t get anything. The offer will be too good for Messi to pass up. Everyone falls for the Nigerian prince scam at some point.
15. File a restraining order against him
Make sure the police at the stadium are aware of said restraining order.
16. Something with duct tape?
What, we have to do everything? Duct tape. Use your imagination.
17. Convince him he has just been signed by your team
Even trot out an extra jersey for him to wear. Then he’ll score a bunch of goals for your team and not his team.
18. Shame him
“You’re not very good at soccer Messi!” He will become so discouraged he will not want to play anymore.
19. Tell him there’s a kitten stuck in a tree
He will go and try to find it and rescue it, missing the match.
20. Tell him there’s a little boy trapped in a well
Same thing as number 19, but with a boy in a well instead of a kitten in a tree.
21. Blindfold him
He can’t score if he can’t see, right?
22. Give him a present just for being such a nice guy
He will be so touched he won’t want to embarrass you in front of thousands (plus millions watching on TV) of people.
23. Be on his team
Request a transfer to Barcelona. Messi can’t obliterate you if you’re on his team! Watch out during training though.
24. Distract him with all sorts of great content from The18.com
Shameless, we know. Give us a break, we’re running out of ideas here.
25. Give up
Face it, it’s Messi. He can’t be stopped.
Contact The18 Staff Writer Sam Klomhaus at Klomhaus@The18.com or follow him on Twitter @SamKlomhaus
